minding me.

REGAINING MY MIND STEPPING OUT OF INSANITY AND INTO SOUNDNESS

DON’T YOU HEAR DON’T YOU NEED ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO SEE

CAN’T SEEM TO BE IN A STATE OF TRANQUILITY I JUST HARBOR THE ABSURDITY IN THE MOMENT

HERE AND NOW WHY THE WAIT

DON’T YOU SEE THE NECESSITY TO FEEL TO BREATHE

EXIST AND RESIST THE PULLING PULLING OF WHAT REMAINS

I ASSUME YOU PLAN TO RESUME YOUR COMPLACENT THINKING

ENABLE ME TO VISUALIZE WHAT IT IS YOU DOUBT

HOLD ME BACK DON’T MIND ME I AM ALL BUT RESTRAINED

A PROP TO YOUR CAUTIOUS DECISION

TO UNWILLINGLY GRASP WHAT IS BEFORE YOU

A FRAGMENTED THOUGHT OF BEAUTY TOO CHERISHED

SO MUCH THAT IT WAS FORGOTTEN BEHIND YOUR REMINDER OF HUMAN FAILURE

MY RELEASE IS YOUR DEMISE TO A PRISON YOU THOUGHT WAS HOME

A GENESIS POUNDING A CONCLUSION INTO YOUR PRINCIPLES

LOST AND FOUND HIDE AND SEEK YOU ARE THE ONE I WANT TO KEEP

MISSPENT ENERGY EXISTING TO MAINTAIN YOUR ROAMING ASSIDUITY

A BASIC VERITY OF YOUR FALLACY TO OBTAIN DESIRES AND DESTINATIONS

I AM HERE

THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF DISCONTINUANCE TO THE HOLLOWNESS YOU FEEL

A CRUTCH TO YOUR IMPOSSIBILITY TO RECEIVE WHAT I PERCEIVE

NOT A FUTILITY BUT A CONTINGENCY A NAKED TRUTH AN AUTHENTICITY

DON’T YOU HEAR DON’T YOU NEED ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO SEE

 El miércoles, 29 de julio de 2009 a las 22:51

Buenas noches!!!!

Today is a good day because I am finally feeling well enough to write I feel as if the pain has receded enough where maybe I will get part of my days back and sleep well at night. This has been a tough one, to say the least. Thank you each for your prayers. I haven’t been able to check my email for such a long time, and it is a little harder to communicate with no internet at the house. But Mom always goes and sends and downloads emails a couple times a week now, so you can reach me here or at my personal email chela2730@gmail.com, and I’ll ask Mom to start checking that too.

What to say? I’ll skip the gross details since I’ve been reminded time and again that most people don’t have strong stomachs haha…it’s really not all that bad when the bandages are on! But anyway. The hospital stay was hard, but as always I had angels for nurses and my poor mama to deal with my not so sweet demands for relief. I am so, so happy that this is ALL almost over. Can you believe it??!! Being at home has been wonderful, albeit with its challenges. Sorry, but I’m going to include a picture or no one is going to understand what I’m talking about…but so far I still haven’t found a way to sit in a chair because of the highest ring and basically doing ANYTHING is challenging and brings me near to tears. I don’t even get crutches this time, but have been reduced back to my old nickname of clickity-clack. My mode of getting around is a shiny new walker. Just what I always wanted. Everyday I (and whoever is around) get to turn dials so that my bone will grow a millimeter a day. It’s actually all pretty amazing if you just take the pain out of the equation. By the end of this I will be as level as ever and have my whole length back (3.5 cm is what’s missing). My brothers are my physical therapists and Johnny has become my daily wound-cleaning partner. Really, I don’t know what I would do without my family. So unceasing in their patience and encouragement, so free with their hugs amidst my tears. My doctor and team are constantly blessing me also and I thank God time and again for their hands and hearts. Last week I went with Mom to learn the ropes. If not for them I think we both would have gone home in tears the day was so trying, but they are so encouraging and really make me believe I can do this. Last week I think was the hardest, maybe because I’m just figuring out how to live with this metal thing on my leg, but I was pretty down. I wrote in my journal that I haven’t felt like this since 2003/2004 when I came home from the hospital in Houston. I know I am a far cry from the broken body of then, but with this ordeal all the memories have come flooding back. Some of the trials as well, like not being able to carry anything, not being able to get into bed by myself, not being able to walk a block, actually, just to the bathroom winds me. It’s all the little things you know? And on top of being dependent on my [awesome] family and friends, I am in SO much pain…I guess the fact that rods are going through my leg has something to do with it, but if anything please pray for lessened pain and for my rest at night. Dreams have not been pleasant when I do finally fall asleep. Except last night I FINALLY slept through the night with no dreams, it was such a blessing.

On another quick note, Mom is going to be on blogtalk radio show tomorrow at noon to talk about MOG and oxygen, so please pray for a lot of listeners and support!! It’s an exciting event for us, hopefully with this we’ll become more plugged in with San Antonio organizations and meet new people who want to be involved I’ll update you next time I write to let you know how it went…

Thanks again for the support, especially to you who have been with me through this since the beginning, you’re my heroes….

Much love to all!! I’ll leave you with a poem I wrote right before my surgery….

Blessings and more blessings!!

Besos,

Rachel



dry tears.

faking bravery
oh lost heart
on the mend
resist
but do not play pretend
…

Tomorrow
is here
dreadful oh
what a relief
stop amid the clouds
feel the dewy air
immerse yourself
in the dry tears of the heavens
…

fog rolls over
this little light of mine
dulled emotions vie for a voice
but i just don’t want to hear
…

such silence
peace found
in the quandary of
my beloved storm
…

denied
an action for a promise
a solution for a pain
…

pain
constant in its bruising
my love to earn
my pliant will to gain
…

Today i look forward
to my bright Tomorrow
unfolding
gentle sunrise
intense colors
collide with my stubborn clouds
…

dim victory
i long to see clear
close my eyes
and be There
…

anticipation
elation
longed for Arrival
allusive
should be conclusive
…

jagged road
you have me upended
rush to my head
down may be up
objects are closer than they appear
…

uncertainty
drives me to a delightful
place of laughter
continuous
maze of complexity
irreversibility

my Now is my Then
expectancy turned outward
unannounced healing
your balm washes me
…

bewildered courage
my feet touch the ground
remnants of fear
disappear
i am Here

fog.

for carrie.

dense is the mist
smothering my peace
blurring my thoughts

i cry for this pain
this pain to desist

desiring to believe
in your oh so
allusive stillness
i seek harmony
serenity
i must bury myself
in your sweet
tranquility

though i seek
i tenaciously resist
the giving of self
the breaking of me
forgetting
you see

throbbing, aching
i am all but blind
not recognizing growth
i cling to that which
i most loathe

teach this stubborn, beloved
heart of mine
to relinquish
with splendid abandonment
all that i am
so that i may receive
all that you are

pervade my fog
with your gentleness
saturate my wounds
with your tenderness

scatter my doubts
gather me close
disperse these clouds of
hesitation
chase away my
reservations

hold me
for i am shattered
restore me
i beg

i am here
erase my fears
do not disappear
please stay near
stay near.

i forgot.

i forgot.

 El miércoles, 30 de diciembre de 2009 a las 3:34 am

WASN’T IT JUST WONDERFUL
WHEN I BELIEVED
WASN’T IT DANDY
WHEN YOU HAD
ALL OF ME
ALL OF ME

IS IT ANY WONDER
YOU ARE THERE
THERE IN YOUR NOWHERE
WHILE I AM HERE
IN MY EVERYWHERE

CONSTANT
IN MY FLUCTUATION
I DON’T KNOW
HOW I FORGOT
FORGOT YOU
FORGOT MY BLUES
FORGOT THE VERY FEW
I LOVE YOU’S

DIDN’T I SEE
HOW COULD I BE
SO BLINDLY
ME.

HOW COULD I BE ME
WHEN THERE WAS YOU
ONLY YOU
MAKING ME THE PERSON
YOU FANCIED
MAKING ME
THE ACCESSORY
TO YOUR CONVENIENCE

HOW TO FORGET
THE AGGRAVATING
SATISFACTION
OF DEPRIVATION

STARVATION
OF INCLINATION

WASN’T IT JUST WONDERFUL
WHEN I BELIEVED
WASN’T IT DANDY
WHEN YOU HAD
ALL OF ME
ALL OF ME

MY TOUR
OF YOUR ALTRUISM
IS KINDLY OVER
STILL DUBIOUS
MAY I ASK

WAS IT GENUINE
THE CLASHING AMITY
THE PLEDGED HARMONY
OR WAS I JUST
SOMEONE FOR YOU
TO QUIETLY
SIMPLY

FORGET?

dirty jeans.

grace falls

impurity seeps in

and i am caught

an entrapment

fed by selfishness

held together

by my humaness

my inability

to unblind myself

see

and not

wear my dark glasses

cut the cords that bind

dig into my skin

harsh

yet beloved

by me

picking at the thorns

that i myself grew

wondering where are the roses

that never bloomed

forever seeing

constantly forgetting

my own dear conspiracy

is played upon my soul

written by an unwilling hand

and guided by an uncautious heart

grace has fallen

impurity seeps in

craziness in my brain

wars against

the solid reason

i choose to ignore

change sinks into the quicksand

of time

procrastination

breeds

falling

my knees are scraped

i wipe my hands

on my dirty jeans

shrug my shoulders

and wish

that this was not me.

tumbling

So how can it be

That you want to save me

What makes you think

I need you to

You try to fit in my shoes

Are they too big or too small

Might we win

Or are we going to lose

Are we going to fall

This world goes round and round

But I feel upside down

How did I fall

Why do I care

What can I do

Now that we're here

Gratitude

Your attitude wraps itself around me

My eyes are your eyes

And I wonder if I will ever

See

See for me

Or just for you

Entangled

In your dreams

I breathe deeply

Of your unconfined mind

Seeking

Oh seeking

Space to identify

Classify

Locate myself

Retain and maintain

Individuality

Amidst

The Oh so vivid

You

Why can't I stay

Here

Far away

Why do I crave

Your Intense

Attachment

Why do I wait for

A reaction

Why do I strive

To convey my emotion

Why do I linger

Hoping

for you to tumble

Into the me

You still can't see

solitude need not mean loneliness...

Solitude is not something you must hope for in the future. Rather, it is a deepening of the present, and unless you look for it in the present you will never find it.  

-Thomas Merton

It's. like the prelimenary shit you have to go thru to get to the good stuff. Its like...como te digo...a grey dawn. And the dreams me tienen loca, I wake up scared and talking to someone that I think is really there...osea, horrible! And now I am even HORRIBLER (I don't care if it's not a real word)....horribler because I am COMPLAINING!!! I mean, look what God just got me through!

So I am praying for a soft and thankful heart.

"O Lord, thou hast made us for thyself,
and we are restless until we find our rest in thee." -Augustine-

Mmmm y yo.....well I'm at a weird point right now. Not dark, justgris. I've been here before after a few of my operations....it's like im ready to go on and I'm insanely happy that the 'hard part' is done....then I hurt so bad and therapy exercises are things like switch your weight, back and forth, tighten your quad, release, put wieght on your heal...como, it should be EASY. And then it's NOT!!

copied from an email that began to mis chias....I LOVE Y'ALL!!

Hey girls, just wanted to let y'all know I got your messages, thanks for being so present!!!...yesterday afterwards I felt so great and was like man this isn't going to be as

bad as I thought! At least i enjoyed it as long as it lasted. .. y Dani , GRACIAS por quedarse conmigo, ni me di cuenta a que hora me dormi!  haha despues tipo 3 amcuando me desperte a tomarme mi medicina y me HARTE de todo que me habias traido jajajajajaja, suuuuper rico!!

So at midnight I woke up in SO much pain =( hannah was sleeping in papa's office and she was super sweet and helped me all night. Casi me muero. hahahah i just remembered, she CARRIED me! The anesthesia and dilauded had worn off so i was being a big baby. now I'm getting a taste of what this is really going to be like. My leg won'tgo straight all the way because my muscles have atrophied...I started therapy  today (ALREADY!!!), Elsa, my PT, literally had to drag me out of bed to get me to do te exercises. and after all the stretches and pulling she wanted me to try to walk and I only got one step. ONE. I guess it's just now hitting me that I really am going to have to learn to walk again. i mean, i hobble so that could consist of walking, but i'm talking about walking without tripping or wabbling haha...my balance is waaaay off...guess i should have expected it jajajaja.

So they nailed the femur rod into place, right where the femur

begins below my pelvis and that spot is where the majority of my weight

rests.it's where they nailed it the first time.  anyway i dont know if that meant anything to y'all, but it just hurts really bad when i put any weight on my leg....

i know i'm not sounding happy right now, but i am SO thankful the brace is off and I'll finally be able to do more....but today I've just been crying becaise of the pain and am so

overwhelmed.. so that's why i'm crying to you, who else understands better than sisters?

so...I literally have to learn to walk again. that's crazy.  I had been told that before, when we began this whole damn process, but i guess i never really believed that it was going to be

like this, so slow and painful....it's going to take months of therapy (every single day !) to gain back my muscle mass and strength. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  i just want to be done!! So please pray for me, especially for patience with my body...and i hope you know how your notes and msgs help me so, so much even though I know I am slow at responding to them. 

Just one step. I can't believe it.

i miss my seesters! 

I mean, I know it's not like right after the accident when I I had to

learn everything over again. plus i i only have one break to heal instead  of like 50...so i guess now it's  just a question of how fast my body responds to therapy and how fast I can re-train my muscles.

Anyway. That's my update for today! I'm praying that each day i'll get

better and better. Especially since Dr. Chang made me start therapy

already. I had to call him in the middle of an operation to find out

when to start. He (Dr. Chang) is so patient with me.

I miss you all so much. This is so hard. I don't want it to hurt so bad. I want to be done.

I WANT TO DANCE!!

Love y'all!!

--

Sent from my mobile device

Chela

better late than never...

4 October 2009

I have found it hard to write these last couple of days even though I have wonderful news! Wednesday when I went to Dr. Chang’s office after xrays and measurements he came to talk to us (Mom and I as always,thanks Mom!!) of the next step. I had been hoping and praying that he would set the date to get the spatial frame off and was going even so far as to hope he would do it sooner than planned. He came in all smiles and wanted to know what we thought. We had of course already sneaked a peak at the xrays and seen that the gap in my femur had definitely stretched some more…so much more in fact that I AM DONE!!!!! Just hearing that as a definite made my day=) So Dr. Chang sat on a stool in front of, stretching my legs to see if they matched and said “so what’s the next step?” Jarod, the guy in charge of providing the hardware for the brace and making sure it was put on and is taken off correctly was there also there and they started discussing the steps. They started saying how the plan was to keep it on for 2-4 weeks after the gap was big enough but since I had had it on for so long, and seeing that the bone was “somehow already filling in” ;)…I interrupted and asked if he could take it off next week half expecting some rolling of the eyes. He looked at me for a sec then shrugged his shoulders and said “ok”. OK!!! Mom thankfully shares in my every emotion through this time and so was just as ecstatic as I was…so….I GET IT OFF!!!!!! the date is set for Thursday, the 8th.

I don’t really know how to convey my utter happiness and my blatant frustration that there is still 4 days between me and freedom!! Thanks to each of you who have come along beside me and cheered me on...listened to my complaints, offered a hug for my tears, held my hand when I was scared…these last few months have been filled with a myriad of emotions and when I let myself think about the immensity of everything I get overwhelmed. Thank you Dani for my doughnuts after every operation…, thank you for laying down your life these months...thanks Mom for being my every-day strength and my constant Pusher…gracias Marcos para tus visitas y por siempre ayudarme salir adelante...and oh BEAUTIFUL family of mine!! There is not enough I can say about your stamina and grace and encouragement and patience, your love…I just simply would not be here at all, especially not doing this well and being this happy without you all. There are too many people, so many wonderful friends who have been kind and funny and long-suffering and attentive.

I know this sounds sappy like a book dedication or something but to me this marks the beginning of the Tomorrow I have so long waited for. I finally get to walk to the next page. Dance to it actually. =)

Today everything hit me at once. I’m still in a lot of pain and being THIS CLOSE makes it a bit harder to take. Tonight friends went salsa dancing and I was so having a pity party and sad that I couldn’t be there with them and that is the kind of moment where I have to step back. Behold all that is. I keep reminding myself that I still have months of intense therapy ahead of me to be able to walk normal and be able to have an “average” day. Be able to do everything that I want to do. My goal once again is to dance by December when I get to go home and see my sisters=) On one hand I see all that is before me and am so HOPEFUL, then my mind sees the cost of it all...sweat and emotions, perseverance and pain...sleepless nights ... I'm held in check. I don’t want to let my dreams run away with me and me expect too much too soon. I can almost TASTE the sweetness. I feel a little silly because of my emotion. I want to embrace life so much more than I already have! I will have so much less pain in my body and will get to be active in life again, more fully than I have been, you know? . I know so, so many of you understand what that means. I pray for the same kind of relief for you (especially you Sarah, I love you!!). I pray with my whole heart that this really is a new beginning and that even though I will still have remnants of the accident to deal with, perhaps it will no longer take center stage. There is so much more waiting, I can feel it!

God is just SO good!!! There are too many blessings to be counted…so many hopes…my heart is FULL!!

I am reading a book by John Eldredge so I wanted to leave you a quote from him. It says better than I can what I am feeling right now:

“Something in us longs, hopes, maybe even at times believes that this is not the way things were supposed to be. Our desire fights the assault of death upon life...At some deep level, we refuse to accept the fact that this is the way things are, or must be, or always will be…Even though we sleep, our desire does not…His [a person’s] miseries are his ally, they urge him on...We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. [What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? Matt. 16:26] To desire something and not to have it - is this not the source of nearly all our pain and sorrow?...Desire is the source of our most noble aspirations and our deepest sorrows. The pleasure and the pain go together; indeed, they emanate from the same region in our hearts. We cannot live without the yearning, and yet the yearning sets us up for disappointment-sometimes deep and devastating disappointment...Do we reach for nothing in life because our reaching opens us up to tragedy? Because of its vulnerable nature, desire begins to feel like our worst enemy…We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don’t know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. Still, something in me knows that to kill desire is to kill my heart altogether. Do we form no friendships because our friends might be taken from us? Do we refuse to love because we may be hurt? Do we forsake our dreams because hope has been deferred? To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain, to shut down our hearts is to die altogether.”

it has dissolved.

can’t i just

turn away

resist this wrenching

this collapsing

of my

resolution

of my

detachment

of you

my façade is my calm

my entity a myriad of

contradictions

of verifications

of the fallacy

of what

was thought

truth

naked authenticity

a faith

in something whole

it has dissolved.

and i have my heart here

in fragments

exposed

disposed

not for others to see

and believe me broken

nor for you to see

and convince me of a healing

beyond the bounds

of my sanity

love oh so benevolent

to entice and secure

the yearning for consistency

i had yet to procure

was it audacity

was it hope

was it you

was it me

looking for the us

that never was to be

love is gentle

love is kind

ours a twisted replica

that chose to bind

love her

comfort her

honor her

keep her

love him

comfort him

honor him

keep him

speak now or forever hold your peace

peace

deep sweet

an urgency

to fulfill

my longing

a pressing need

to belatedly

release

surrender

assumptions

expectations

know

that there is restoration

reformation

a kind absolution

to this brokenness

that is mine

weary

of this conflict

drained of all resolve

bombarded
by ambiguity

stripped bare

needing to be absolved

can’t i be

what you need

your pillar

your retreat

don’t you see

you far exceed

what you thought

you had to be

to keep me

honor me

comfort me

love me

such a maze

just a haze

where did it go

this love

it has dissolved.

sunshine in my corners

there's just this nowhere
that is somewhere
where i want to be with you

there is this nothing
that is something
that i want to be with you

hold on baby
just let go
no holding on
just grasp my hand

sunshine in my corners
that's what your smile is
spreading, all-invading
i like it this way

there's just this nowhere
that is somewhere
where i want to be with you

there is this nothing
that is something
that i want to be with you

hold your breath
don't peak
open your eyes wide
just breathe

forget back then
take a chance
forget tomorrow
let's just dance

there's just this nowhere
that is somewhere
where i want to be with you

there is this nothing
that is something
that i want to be with you

that i want to be with you.

just be with you.

exist.

i wish i existed

like i existed before you
not because i needed to
but because i wanted to

i wish i could see
see beyond you
not because i wanted to
but because i had to

deep
deep in my soul
under my skin
can't get you out
move forward
can't look back

stagnation is present
ripples in my water
a rare occurrence
run run
i need to be undone

so present
a breath
a whisper in my head
brings you back
back to me

i need to exist
exist before you
not because i needed to
but because i wanted to

happy bday joce!!

so today is jocelyn's bday. she'd be freaking out because she'd be 25!! i was getting all depressed and sad on my way home and when i got in the car and turned on the radio her spanish 'happy' song was on (windy you know which one:). it was strange because i haven't heard that song in forever and it "happened" to be playing...so i decided to smile and be ok...because she's happy. and i will get to see her again someday. and she's not hurting. she's eternally joce...everything good stayed with her and everything bad just melted away. it would be so awesome to talk to her though. i wish i could just have a day to hang with her. in our apartment with windy. eating her brownies while they play mario cart. watching her hip-hop videos and then putting 'raining on sunday' on repeat. being stupid and laughing our heads off together. talking and crying about whatever boy was giving us trouble at the moment and eating cookie dough ice cream to make it all better. she was awesome. it's so amazing how one person can be so much to you...have such a huge part in your life because they are so unique and special. there really is no one that can come close to being who she was. she loved with no limits. was bitchy one minute and hugging you the next because she couldn't stand conflict. she was horrible at ever saving her tip money because she invited everyone to everything and never put herself first. she loved my family, her family, as much as i do...she made everyone around feel as special as they truly were. her faults were the kind that you could overlook because her heart was always in the right place and she always wanted you to be happy. she taught me to trust, and then again, how not to trust. she always put herself so much out there that she got hurt a lot. but i think she liked it that way, because then she never wondered 'what could have been'. because everything just was. and everything just is. i think that's what she would tell me today. that today is ok because it just is. things are good and life is still worth living with abandon. not because you might die tomorrow, but because you are alive today. it's worth wearing your heart on your sleave...giving and giving until you are spent but drenched with the happiness of emptying yourself...

everything that will be will be and everything that is...just is.

happy bday my joce...i love you!!!!!! miss you like crazy...DOUBLE TROUBLE BABY!!!!! jajajajaja.... CBD!!!!!! FOREVER!!!!!

let it be. (dedicado a mi amiga linda, ya sabes quien sos...muah!)

so let go
just let go

look back
fondly
on those times
so sweet

smile
at the road ahead
and think of me

raise your eyes
to the sky so blue
take a deep breath
act like it's ok , this
goodbye

don't forget me
i won't forget you
embrace the day
just let it be

we thought our moment was forever
forgetting
to watch the change
of the us that ebbed and flowed
forgetting
to remember
that nothing stays the same

now my hand is empty
the feel of your skin gone
your eyes
they sadly haunt me

but baby
i must go on.

be.

my eyes
so fixed upon you
oblivious
to the mire around

held up
embraced
my soul waits
to soar to new heights
clinging
forever holding on
to you

i ache
and i cry
i bury this burning
i cover
what is bleeding

i cannot be
be without you

i cannont see
see without you

i resist the plunging
i deny the falling

i close my eyes
wind rushing
rushing by

please let me be
be without you

please help me see
see without you

-by rlm-

my new song....

DROPLETS by Colbie Callait

I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if that's what I should do
It hurts so bad
I'm wanting you but cant go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don't need it

Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and i'm just waiting for
The droplets, droplets

You left a mark
I wear it proudly on my chest
Above my heart Above my heart
To Remind me that I feel the best
When I'm with you When I'm with you
To me everything is effortless
You know its true
My eyes are painted with regret and I don't need it

Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting to fall and sink into your tears

You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me
You left a mark (you left a mark)
She left a mark (he left)
She left (he left)
And I don't (I dont)
Need it. (Need it)

in my room

so i'm in bed, wanting to get tired and drift off to sleep...problem is i've been sleeping for two days straight...literally. my stupid leg is acting up and my body is screaming at me to slow down and keep resting so it can recuperate. my poor mom is helping me keep in mind that if i don't stop overdoing it i will never get better like i want to. but now i'm in one of those ''slumps'' and not knowing what to do. smashing pumpkins is about the right mood for me right now.

we did have oxygen tonight and heard about mom's and peter's trip to nica. made me want to fly there tomorrow and never come back. there was a song we sung about being in the shadow of His wings and that line was so comforting to me because I know that i really am safe in Him. that with all my thoughts that i can't seem to capture, with all my doubts and fears about my future, it's still ok.



going to turn it off now....

sweet dreams!

still writing...

so i was going to go to bed but for some reason i am all wound up. so i am going to write more and if you would rather not read my ramblings then i understand.

i don't even know what i am going to write about. surely nothing brilliant, for brilliance seems to come to me in those rare moments that are between beauty and pain. and right now i feel more in the midst of a melancholy mediocrity. i don't even feel like reaching for anything more. tonight i am just sitting. and being. not contemplating any of life's great secrets. merely (interrupted...)


hahaha, merely...now sweet adri woke up and is looking for her vaga mommy so i'm going to go tell her a story...

shattered

mirror mirror on the wall

who shattered you
who shattered me

the pieces fall where they may
and i stay

stay and look away
ceasing to feel
ceasing to cry
i dry my eyes
close my mouth
i desist

mirror mirror on the wall

who looks into you
who looks into me

me
myself
and i

hauntingly sad
forever broken
my melody
cannot be heard

mirror mirror on the wall

bits of you
bits of me

glued together
cracked
forever a broken image
of what once was

a constant reminder
of what could have been

mirror mirror on the wall

who sees you
who sees me

no one

for i hide
afraid
of consequences
unseen
of words
unsought
of despise
undeserved

mirror mirror on the wall

who shattered you
who shattered me

the pieces fall where they may
and i stay