my stepping stone

forgotten desires
broken dreams

where does the strength come from
to rise
and face this day

this overwhelming day
where the sun shines
yet does not warm
where smiles abound
yet none reach me

blessed
cursed
i am neither.

beyond the forgotten
yet near enough
to be remembered

your eyes peer
yet do not penetrate
your ears hear
yet do not listen

i stare
beyond what is now

when shall i feel whole
this broken body
a replica of my own soul

burdensome
oh this heavy weight
lifted by the belief
that what will be will be
and what is

just is.

my broken dreams
perhaps are just forgotten
and the passion that i wait for
merely buried
deep within
the labrynith of my own
guilty consience

detached
wanting to connect
to this harsh and beautiful world
i raise my hands
cry
with the pure relief
of one who sees

unblinded i have become
blessed
assured
that the end
is merely a beginning
and the sorrow
i've endured

simply a stepping stone

to what lies ahead.

texan cowgirl

 

sometimes i wonder if i should be as frank and honest as i always am in my writing. if i should peel off the layers one by one...letting the fragrance of my petals that slowly fall down drift to you, allowing you to see what has grown from the seeds planted so long ago.

when one is hesitant it is usually from some type of fear. whether it be healthy fear or pure nonsense only you can tell. so i've decided that my hesitancy is pure nonsense. read what you like, comment on whatever you want, and perhaps this journey of mine, where i trip and fall endlessly on my yellow brick road, will entice you to move forward, to dream...to let go when necessary, cry when needed and laugh always.

thanks to each of you, dear friends. you have made my life so much more the better and prodded along my heart and will to keep living each day as it may come.

besos y abrazos...

me

YEA!!

Hi again,
i had to write tonight before it gets any later to let everyone know that today was a complete, divine, success!!!! judge davis made a bench decision in my favor in everything. i get all my past medical bills from the accident paid off (which was almost a million that has been hanging over my head) and i get ongoing aid also, which means i get my operation on my foot/leg taken care of much faster than hoped for AND i get to go to therapy again. it was an amazing appointent. very very emotionally draining, but so obviously God-appointed. the judge was incredible, so honoring towards me and nice and gentle and didn't mind that i was bawling my eyes out. and when we left the room the court clerk was out in the hall and was crying also (i think everyone cried that was in there) and stopped me and said congratulations and wanted me to know that he knew jocelyn!!! i was floored but of course something like that happened. he said that he and his bible study had prayed for me when i was in the hospital that i wouldn't lose my leg (or life). i had to give him a hug.
so anyway i want to send this soeveryone knows. your calls and letters blessed me sooo much and really helped me get through all the re-telling of everything. like my dad said to me today, i can finally lay it to rest. so apt.
love you all and hope this encourages you tonight,
Rae

The Arrival of The Day

10-3-05

Hello everyone...

I've been meaning to write this past week but because of one thing or the other haven't been able to. i know a lot of you have asked about my court date for medicaid....well, the day has finally arrived. today at 2:30 i go before the judge and present my case. my lawyer said that the judge can either make a 'bench decision', where he reaches a verdict before i even leave, or, he can make a decision in my favor but only for partial medicaid (as in he grants me medicaid but only retropsective aid, which wll still pay those humongous bills but not give me any ongoig aid). i am horrible at explaining legal matters, but i guess the most important thing i am praying for is that 1) he does no deny me, 2)he gives me ONGOING benefits so that i can still get therapy, etc. and 3)that he rules for the combination of both medicare and medicaid.
when mom and i met with the lawyer on wednesday she said that i have a 'perfect' case in her opinion. that my kind of case is the kind that judges like to award benefits to because it is not through my own irresponsible actions that i am where i am at (ie, i am not a druggie without a job trying to get help for sicknesses that i have because of my own decisions).she said that myjudge (his name is Lamar Davis) is a very kind man and that i am lucky to have him be my judge. It does not surprise me though that God has set it up like this, especially since the happenings of today have been bathed in prayer for over two years now. please pray though that God will give me great favor, that we will have every piece of evidence and statements needed, that since my case is the last case of the day that he will not be weary of listening. my lawyer's name is Alexis and she was an ER nurse for 14 years. therefore she knows, really understands, what all my medical records mean and the implications of such an accident. i am so thankful for her and her expertise.... my most pressing prayer request is for me emotionally though. alexis said that what will happen is that she will present my case by explaining everything in my records,from sept.13th 2003 up until now. mom will be able to be at the hearing but only as support to me, her two-cents worth is not allowed.but thank the Lord i get to have her there to hold my hand. after alexis is finished then Judge Davis will proceed to ask me questions and it will be my turn to tell my story. alexis said that i will need re-live everything in detail. everything! i can't even imagine. i don't think i have re-told or even THOUGHT of everything in chronological order, going step by step through everything ever. that means the day of the accident,the accident itself,my hospital stay,my recovery...everything physical, emotional, and mental up until today....i am overwhelmed just writing about it. when she told me that i would have to talk about everything i started crying because i know that i usually avoid having those types of conversations even though facts such as those seem to always be in the back of my mind. i also am praying that the most painful of memories that i have blocked out of my head will return if it is helpful for my case. (just not the accident itself because there is no way i want my last memories of jocelyn to be that). it is not even time yet and i already am feeling close to throwing up or breaking down. i dont even know how to put into words what this is to me. no one has ever heard everything in it's entirety. not even my sweet family. and maybe my accident from last week has something to do with everything because when it happened i had a horrible flash back and since then haven't been able to get it out of my head. i don't know. i just ask for your prayers. this is SUCH a huge, huge deal. the outcome will effect the rest of my life.
so thanks for the support, love and prayers. for the friendships that you have each blessed me with and for walking with me through this long season of my life. you are the ones that helped me walk again:) i am a blessed woman....

love,
rachel

ps for those of you who are going to call me, the appointment is supposedly going to last 3 hours so i am just going to leave my cell in my car and afterwards or tomorrow i will call you back and also write another email letting everyone know. again, thank you!!

POETRY

CONTRADICTORY

you saw me
yet you turned away
you heard me
but you blocked your ears from truly hearing

you desired something good
but you chased away what was offered

you deny yourself
you deny me
you play pretend
and act as if this is what you want

you convince yourself
of some sort of stability
and in a trust
that does not exist

remembering what once was
you live out a precocious dream
that is now vacant
and cannot be

you chose your path
to walk in it is a must
to grasp what has been lost

futility.

KISS UPON MY NECK

i felt the strongest feeling today

as i layed still beside you.

your breathing became steady

as you contentedly locked your arms around me

your whispers that trailed off into sighs

were sweet

and the kiss youplaced on the back of my neck ~

tender.

but my feelings were not ones of tranquility

nor could my eyes close peacefully.

i layed there ~

choking back questions

i wish i had no right to ask

wondering at the ache inside me,

wishing the hurt could be ignored.

your apology was accepted

your explanation listened to...

yet my understanding remains vague,

my ''why'' echoes

and my unshed tears

silently remind me

of your unsought words

and selfish actions.

my question resounded in my head ~

how do you hurt what you love?

disregard what you esteem?

knowingly trod upon feelings dear?

yes, i lay here wondering,

while you sleep blissfully,

with your arms locked around me.

FOOLED

hopes crashing

dreams deceiving

aspirations set too high

perfect world

oh where did you go?

castles in the air

why do you crumble?

i try and i try

too good to be bad

too bad to be good

hidden

or just not seen?

SIN NOMBRE

through the unsteady days

i seem carefree

at ease

but there is numbing pain

deep deterioration

a broken me

is found

soft comfort calls

my plight

must end.

my night-time thought

not really knowing what to do about the parts of me that even i won't see. refuse to more like it. is it all or nothing? is it really depth and passion or mediocrity and artificial words? no gray. absolute. requiring all of me, you do not force,yet pull me to you with a compelling magnetism and mystery, and complete love, that i cannot resist. so take my hands off my eyes and help me see the smudges that are on my heart and be willing to have them scourged.

siempre

written 12-02-03

i realize that before i set limitations for myself out of fear. out of not believing enough that God's made me capable of achieving "insurmountable" dreams. when i start to dare to think that a dream is possible, Satan squashes my enthusiasm and optimism by attacking my self-esteem, my abilities, and therefore my vision and fire diminish, leaving me instead with a mediocre life. granted, one that God still uses, sine He is good. but one that could be oh so much more and one that could reach and bless so many more people.
well, not anymore. if God literally held me away from Death's grasp, and granted me wholeness, then whom am i to fear? of what limitations and temptations and trials am i afraid of? there is nothing. more pain will come. more frustrations. more wrenching losses. yet the Almighty stands with me. why tremble? why doubt? when the darkness of my own mind falls, i pray that the light of His truth will permeate it, and ultimately, vanquish it. thank Jesus for the sweet, firm words of that who love me, that help me not to sink. that is what God intended the Church for anyway. for that i am grateful.

test results

tests tests and more tests. waiting in chairs that make your back ache, watching soaps on the tv with people surrounding you all esperando for your name to be called. waiting to go in and talk to a few people in white coats, watch their eyebrows raise and them tell you again that you are a miracle as they read your chart. then comes the needles, the pain, the trying to remember to breathe part. going into the big white cylinder and trying not to move for two hrs. trying to be intrigued by the machines you are invariably going to be hooked up to, thinking that if you understand you might not be as afraid.

those were my last two weeks, though i was much encouraged rather than discouraged. the tests were a little bit hard, but i am so glad i got them done. i was told that my nerves are damaged, especially a big one that went along with my femoral artery. but they also said that they are healing themselves, slowly but surely. that there is no way to tel how long it will take, but that it looks promising. they said that i need to concentrate on stretching my tendons out and getting my lift for my leg right now. as for my arteries, they are healthy :) and i have great circulation. thank God!

so now i am concentrating on my right leg and foot, next week starting more intense therapy by going three times a week again instead of one. they think that by stretching my tendons my toes will straighten as my nerves heal. i'm trying to have faith in that, but i think i am in for another looooong road. i still don't know exactly what is going to happen with my other leg. i got the lift my shoes (one pair) and it helps my pain considerably. but i am really praying that somehow they will be able to fix my leg so that i do not have to deal with the discrepency my whole life. that is my mission for the next month, to work on my foot and to find out if anything can be done for my leg.

it has been decreed though that i am being too hard on my body, so, very reluctantly and sadly i put in my two-weeks notice at bennigan's today. the doc said that i am not giving my body enough time to heal properly, mainly the bones in my legs. so, it's back to the drawing board and prayer to see what to do next....hopefully i am ready for my next hurdle.

tanto que quiero no puedo.

vers l'avant (forward...)

hello again to all -
since i actually have a few mintues at my computer i wanted to write a quick update on everything (don't worry, it won't be that long, and, the best thing about email is that you can stop reading whenever you want to:). i forgot to tell everyone the good news though...I'M WORKING AGAIN!!! i have been for a little over a month now. at least trying to as much as I can. I am working some short shifts at night back at my bennigan's, this time as a hostess and as a SW (silverware roller). definitly a much slower pace than before, but perfect for where i am at right now. my managers (friends) have been SO gracious towards me and so understanding of when i can't work because i hurt too bad or am over-doing it or something. i just am happy to be back and be around people and actually earning some money again. the other night there i popped something in my knee out though and my doc told me to go to the ER. that was friday so maybe soon i will go since i am walking pretty bad right now. i just don't really want to sit in that waiting room for ten hours. as for the other stuff, i did get my lift on my left shoe. it evens me out pretty good and if i wasn't such a vain person i think i'd like it. i also got an AFO brace for my right leg, which i think i told you about, that will help correct my walking and my drop-foot. but that thing hurts so dang bad to wear and it doesn't fit in my shoe right, so i might have to get that adjusted. the doctor that has been helping me with all my foot stuff is really great though and said that this is just a process of finding things that work for me. everything in life seems to be a process. tomorrow morning i go in for an EMG, which i have no clue as to what it is, just that it's some test for my nerves. then wednesday i go in for my results from vascular. will update then:). also, (i got off track earlier), i am working part-time in my dad's and uncle's business office, heloing with the administrative and accounting work. needless to say i love working there, getting to be around uncle kim and aunt sandra all the time has been wonderful, plus they're sweet and look after me but still put me to work;) AND, i just started my own mary kay business. i am not exactly sure as to what i am doing yet, and i never ever did think i would sell makeup. but for months now i have been praying for God to provide me with a way to make my own income and be able to contribute to the household stuff, while still being able to go to my therapy sessions and doctor appointments. He has been answering this prayer and i believe that mary kay may be another part to my puzzle. please pray for blessings and lots of business. but also that i will remember that God is not a God of urgency and to pace myself.

i think mama is calling me, so love to you all and my prayers are with you....

you're much appreciated,

Rachel

my world crumbles

my world
i thought conquered
but now i am hurled
into a sadness
unknown

broken once again

aware this torture shows
i speak with my tears
desiring
for this knowing
to disappear

never allowed
to forget my fears
nor see sacred beauty
unmarred

my world crumbles.

i'm back!!!

so we had hannah's 15th bday party. it was such a blast!! and i was SO happy because i not only wore a dress, found shoes that fit...but i DANCED my booty off:) it was the best ever. i can't even explain how happy it makes me to be able to dance again. i payed for it later, but it was worth it and then some.

so, i have my dance card back, and it's never full....;)

my new quote:)

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult, our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.--Anna Louise Strona

here it is...

Hello Everyone,well, it took me a little longer than i thought to get this thing up. maybe i can blame it on lack of sleep:-P i tried updating the image, but, whatever, letters are letters right?i'm trying to wrap my mind around the thought of writing all my deep, inspirational (haha) thoughts down, but that just doesn't seem to be happening. i think for tonight i'll keep it simple and just tell a little of what i have been doing. i think everytime that i tell someone what is going on with me, the first thing i think of is my recovery journey. perhaps that is because that has been my all,encomapassing mission for the last year and something. i would like to say i am nearing the end, but i know that would be stretching it. instead i just want to let everyone know that i haven't ever been happier or more at peace. i seem to think in terms of 'before' and 'after' since it seems i have been given two different lifetimes in which to live, and this latest one with hopefully much more maturity and anointed SIGHT than i had before. i've learned two things (at least that i can think of this moment). one is that life seriously hurts and i despise it at times, and the other is that life seriously hurts, but makes so much more vivid the beautiful and i can't help but loving it and embracing it once again. right now i am still in therapy and each time i go i come out bouncing (inside at least) because God has truly blessed me with people that have taken it on as their mission to see me better my state and make stronger my physical body. i had previously been so frusterated with the medical system, but now just stand in awe that there are so many with such incredible hearts that work with so many with so little resources. God has given me favor everywhere He sends me and has been orchestrating the meetings and tests and each person i talk to. right now i am in the process of getting vascular and neuro testing done on my right leg (the one that the artery was severed in) because i still have been having such a hard time with my foot and circulation and feeling and pain, etc.etc. without going into the whole story, they are pretty sure i have what is called volkmann's inschemia, which is like the rare after-math of compartment syndrome, which i had when they pumped me with fluids and i swelled up like a whale. it is (or they think) the reason for my toes curling. so we will see what happens with all that. the other thing is that my PT measured my legs and it turns out that my left leg healed a whole inch shorter than the other one. hence the weird walking and pain. i am getting fitted for a lift to even me out and then also for a brace for my other leg to help correct some stuff,like drop foot, and then i don't know yet if there is anything to do for the long term. someone said they'd have to break my leg again. but no thank you. at least not yet. i have to go and get sarah some food....will keep writing later.hugs to everyone,rachel Current Mood: groggyCurrent Music: orishas (cuban)

the wonders...