siempre

written 12-02-03

i realize that before i set limitations for myself out of fear. out of not believing enough that God's made me capable of achieving "insurmountable" dreams. when i start to dare to think that a dream is possible, Satan squashes my enthusiasm and optimism by attacking my self-esteem, my abilities, and therefore my vision and fire diminish, leaving me instead with a mediocre life. granted, one that God still uses, sine He is good. but one that could be oh so much more and one that could reach and bless so many more people.
well, not anymore. if God literally held me away from Death's grasp, and granted me wholeness, then whom am i to fear? of what limitations and temptations and trials am i afraid of? there is nothing. more pain will come. more frustrations. more wrenching losses. yet the Almighty stands with me. why tremble? why doubt? when the darkness of my own mind falls, i pray that the light of His truth will permeate it, and ultimately, vanquish it. thank Jesus for the sweet, firm words of that who love me, that help me not to sink. that is what God intended the Church for anyway. for that i am grateful.

test results

tests tests and more tests. waiting in chairs that make your back ache, watching soaps on the tv with people surrounding you all esperando for your name to be called. waiting to go in and talk to a few people in white coats, watch their eyebrows raise and them tell you again that you are a miracle as they read your chart. then comes the needles, the pain, the trying to remember to breathe part. going into the big white cylinder and trying not to move for two hrs. trying to be intrigued by the machines you are invariably going to be hooked up to, thinking that if you understand you might not be as afraid.

those were my last two weeks, though i was much encouraged rather than discouraged. the tests were a little bit hard, but i am so glad i got them done. i was told that my nerves are damaged, especially a big one that went along with my femoral artery. but they also said that they are healing themselves, slowly but surely. that there is no way to tel how long it will take, but that it looks promising. they said that i need to concentrate on stretching my tendons out and getting my lift for my leg right now. as for my arteries, they are healthy :) and i have great circulation. thank God!

so now i am concentrating on my right leg and foot, next week starting more intense therapy by going three times a week again instead of one. they think that by stretching my tendons my toes will straighten as my nerves heal. i'm trying to have faith in that, but i think i am in for another looooong road. i still don't know exactly what is going to happen with my other leg. i got the lift my shoes (one pair) and it helps my pain considerably. but i am really praying that somehow they will be able to fix my leg so that i do not have to deal with the discrepency my whole life. that is my mission for the next month, to work on my foot and to find out if anything can be done for my leg.

it has been decreed though that i am being too hard on my body, so, very reluctantly and sadly i put in my two-weeks notice at bennigan's today. the doc said that i am not giving my body enough time to heal properly, mainly the bones in my legs. so, it's back to the drawing board and prayer to see what to do next....hopefully i am ready for my next hurdle.