siempre

written 12-02-03

i realize that before i set limitations for myself out of fear. out of not believing enough that God's made me capable of achieving "insurmountable" dreams. when i start to dare to think that a dream is possible, Satan squashes my enthusiasm and optimism by attacking my self-esteem, my abilities, and therefore my vision and fire diminish, leaving me instead with a mediocre life. granted, one that God still uses, sine He is good. but one that could be oh so much more and one that could reach and bless so many more people.
well, not anymore. if God literally held me away from Death's grasp, and granted me wholeness, then whom am i to fear? of what limitations and temptations and trials am i afraid of? there is nothing. more pain will come. more frustrations. more wrenching losses. yet the Almighty stands with me. why tremble? why doubt? when the darkness of my own mind falls, i pray that the light of His truth will permeate it, and ultimately, vanquish it. thank Jesus for the sweet, firm words of that who love me, that help me not to sink. that is what God intended the Church for anyway. for that i am grateful.

test results

tests tests and more tests. waiting in chairs that make your back ache, watching soaps on the tv with people surrounding you all esperando for your name to be called. waiting to go in and talk to a few people in white coats, watch their eyebrows raise and them tell you again that you are a miracle as they read your chart. then comes the needles, the pain, the trying to remember to breathe part. going into the big white cylinder and trying not to move for two hrs. trying to be intrigued by the machines you are invariably going to be hooked up to, thinking that if you understand you might not be as afraid.

those were my last two weeks, though i was much encouraged rather than discouraged. the tests were a little bit hard, but i am so glad i got them done. i was told that my nerves are damaged, especially a big one that went along with my femoral artery. but they also said that they are healing themselves, slowly but surely. that there is no way to tel how long it will take, but that it looks promising. they said that i need to concentrate on stretching my tendons out and getting my lift for my leg right now. as for my arteries, they are healthy :) and i have great circulation. thank God!

so now i am concentrating on my right leg and foot, next week starting more intense therapy by going three times a week again instead of one. they think that by stretching my tendons my toes will straighten as my nerves heal. i'm trying to have faith in that, but i think i am in for another looooong road. i still don't know exactly what is going to happen with my other leg. i got the lift my shoes (one pair) and it helps my pain considerably. but i am really praying that somehow they will be able to fix my leg so that i do not have to deal with the discrepency my whole life. that is my mission for the next month, to work on my foot and to find out if anything can be done for my leg.

it has been decreed though that i am being too hard on my body, so, very reluctantly and sadly i put in my two-weeks notice at bennigan's today. the doc said that i am not giving my body enough time to heal properly, mainly the bones in my legs. so, it's back to the drawing board and prayer to see what to do next....hopefully i am ready for my next hurdle.

tanto que quiero no puedo.

vers l'avant (forward...)

hello again to all -
since i actually have a few mintues at my computer i wanted to write a quick update on everything (don't worry, it won't be that long, and, the best thing about email is that you can stop reading whenever you want to:). i forgot to tell everyone the good news though...I'M WORKING AGAIN!!! i have been for a little over a month now. at least trying to as much as I can. I am working some short shifts at night back at my bennigan's, this time as a hostess and as a SW (silverware roller). definitly a much slower pace than before, but perfect for where i am at right now. my managers (friends) have been SO gracious towards me and so understanding of when i can't work because i hurt too bad or am over-doing it or something. i just am happy to be back and be around people and actually earning some money again. the other night there i popped something in my knee out though and my doc told me to go to the ER. that was friday so maybe soon i will go since i am walking pretty bad right now. i just don't really want to sit in that waiting room for ten hours. as for the other stuff, i did get my lift on my left shoe. it evens me out pretty good and if i wasn't such a vain person i think i'd like it. i also got an AFO brace for my right leg, which i think i told you about, that will help correct my walking and my drop-foot. but that thing hurts so dang bad to wear and it doesn't fit in my shoe right, so i might have to get that adjusted. the doctor that has been helping me with all my foot stuff is really great though and said that this is just a process of finding things that work for me. everything in life seems to be a process. tomorrow morning i go in for an EMG, which i have no clue as to what it is, just that it's some test for my nerves. then wednesday i go in for my results from vascular. will update then:). also, (i got off track earlier), i am working part-time in my dad's and uncle's business office, heloing with the administrative and accounting work. needless to say i love working there, getting to be around uncle kim and aunt sandra all the time has been wonderful, plus they're sweet and look after me but still put me to work;) AND, i just started my own mary kay business. i am not exactly sure as to what i am doing yet, and i never ever did think i would sell makeup. but for months now i have been praying for God to provide me with a way to make my own income and be able to contribute to the household stuff, while still being able to go to my therapy sessions and doctor appointments. He has been answering this prayer and i believe that mary kay may be another part to my puzzle. please pray for blessings and lots of business. but also that i will remember that God is not a God of urgency and to pace myself.

i think mama is calling me, so love to you all and my prayers are with you....

you're much appreciated,

Rachel

my world crumbles

my world
i thought conquered
but now i am hurled
into a sadness
unknown

broken once again

aware this torture shows
i speak with my tears
desiring
for this knowing
to disappear

never allowed
to forget my fears
nor see sacred beauty
unmarred

my world crumbles.