forgotten desires
broken dreams
where does the strength come from
to rise
and face this day
this overwhelming day
where the sun shines
yet does not warm
where smiles abound
yet none reach me
blessed
cursed
i am neither.
beyond the forgotten
yet near enough
to be remembered
your eyes peer
yet do not penetrate
your ears hear
yet do not listen
i stare
beyond what is now
when shall i feel whole
this broken body
a replica of my own soul
burdensome
oh this heavy weight
lifted by the belief
that what will be will be
and what is
just is.
my broken dreams
perhaps are just forgotten
and the passion that i wait for
merely buried
deep within
the labrynith of my own
guilty consience
detached
wanting to connect
to this harsh and beautiful world
i raise my hands
cry
with the pure relief
of one who sees
unblinded i have become
blessed
assured
that the end
is merely a beginning
and the sorrow
i've endured
simply a stepping stone
to what lies ahead.
11.10.05
sometimes i wonder if i should be as frank and honest as i always am in my writing. if i should peel off the layers one by one...letting the fragrance of my petals that slowly fall down drift to you, allowing you to see what has grown from the seeds planted so long ago.
when one is hesitant it is usually from some type of fear. whether it be healthy fear or pure nonsense only you can tell. so i've decided that my hesitancy is pure nonsense. read what you like, comment on whatever you want, and perhaps this journey of mine, where i trip and fall endlessly on my yellow brick road, will entice you to move forward, to dream...to let go when necessary, cry when needed and laugh always.
thanks to each of you, dear friends. you have made my life so much more the better and prodded along my heart and will to keep living each day as it may come.
besos y abrazos...
me
when one is hesitant it is usually from some type of fear. whether it be healthy fear or pure nonsense only you can tell. so i've decided that my hesitancy is pure nonsense. read what you like, comment on whatever you want, and perhaps this journey of mine, where i trip and fall endlessly on my yellow brick road, will entice you to move forward, to dream...to let go when necessary, cry when needed and laugh always.
thanks to each of you, dear friends. you have made my life so much more the better and prodded along my heart and will to keep living each day as it may come.
besos y abrazos...
me
4.10.05
YEA!!
Hi again,
i had to write tonight before it gets any later to let everyone know that today was a complete, divine, success!!!! judge davis made a bench decision in my favor in everything. i get all my past medical bills from the accident paid off (which was almost a million that has been hanging over my head) and i get ongoing aid also, which means i get my operation on my foot/leg taken care of much faster than hoped for AND i get to go to therapy again. it was an amazing appointent. very very emotionally draining, but so obviously God-appointed. the judge was incredible, so honoring towards me and nice and gentle and didn't mind that i was bawling my eyes out. and when we left the room the court clerk was out in the hall and was crying also (i think everyone cried that was in there) and stopped me and said congratulations and wanted me to know that he knew jocelyn!!! i was floored but of course something like that happened. he said that he and his bible study had prayed for me when i was in the hospital that i wouldn't lose my leg (or life). i had to give him a hug.
so anyway i want to send this soeveryone knows. your calls and letters blessed me sooo much and really helped me get through all the re-telling of everything. like my dad said to me today, i can finally lay it to rest. so apt.
love you all and hope this encourages you tonight,
Rae
i had to write tonight before it gets any later to let everyone know that today was a complete, divine, success!!!! judge davis made a bench decision in my favor in everything. i get all my past medical bills from the accident paid off (which was almost a million that has been hanging over my head) and i get ongoing aid also, which means i get my operation on my foot/leg taken care of much faster than hoped for AND i get to go to therapy again. it was an amazing appointent. very very emotionally draining, but so obviously God-appointed. the judge was incredible, so honoring towards me and nice and gentle and didn't mind that i was bawling my eyes out. and when we left the room the court clerk was out in the hall and was crying also (i think everyone cried that was in there) and stopped me and said congratulations and wanted me to know that he knew jocelyn!!! i was floored but of course something like that happened. he said that he and his bible study had prayed for me when i was in the hospital that i wouldn't lose my leg (or life). i had to give him a hug.
so anyway i want to send this soeveryone knows. your calls and letters blessed me sooo much and really helped me get through all the re-telling of everything. like my dad said to me today, i can finally lay it to rest. so apt.
love you all and hope this encourages you tonight,
Rae
3.10.05
The Arrival of The Day
10-3-05
Hello everyone...
I've been meaning to write this past week but because of one thing or the other haven't been able to. i know a lot of you have asked about my court date for medicaid....well, the day has finally arrived. today at 2:30 i go before the judge and present my case. my lawyer said that the judge can either make a 'bench decision', where he reaches a verdict before i even leave, or, he can make a decision in my favor but only for partial medicaid (as in he grants me medicaid but only retropsective aid, which wll still pay those humongous bills but not give me any ongoig aid). i am horrible at explaining legal matters, but i guess the most important thing i am praying for is that 1) he does no deny me, 2)he gives me ONGOING benefits so that i can still get therapy, etc. and 3)that he rules for the combination of both medicare and medicaid.
when mom and i met with the lawyer on wednesday she said that i have a 'perfect' case in her opinion. that my kind of case is the kind that judges like to award benefits to because it is not through my own irresponsible actions that i am where i am at (ie, i am not a druggie without a job trying to get help for sicknesses that i have because of my own decisions).she said that myjudge (his name is Lamar Davis) is a very kind man and that i am lucky to have him be my judge. It does not surprise me though that God has set it up like this, especially since the happenings of today have been bathed in prayer for over two years now. please pray though that God will give me great favor, that we will have every piece of evidence and statements needed, that since my case is the last case of the day that he will not be weary of listening. my lawyer's name is Alexis and she was an ER nurse for 14 years. therefore she knows, really understands, what all my medical records mean and the implications of such an accident. i am so thankful for her and her expertise.... my most pressing prayer request is for me emotionally though. alexis said that what will happen is that she will present my case by explaining everything in my records,from sept.13th 2003 up until now. mom will be able to be at the hearing but only as support to me, her two-cents worth is not allowed.but thank the Lord i get to have her there to hold my hand. after alexis is finished then Judge Davis will proceed to ask me questions and it will be my turn to tell my story. alexis said that i will need re-live everything in detail. everything! i can't even imagine. i don't think i have re-told or even THOUGHT of everything in chronological order, going step by step through everything ever. that means the day of the accident,the accident itself,my hospital stay,my recovery...everything physical, emotional, and mental up until today....i am overwhelmed just writing about it. when she told me that i would have to talk about everything i started crying because i know that i usually avoid having those types of conversations even though facts such as those seem to always be in the back of my mind. i also am praying that the most painful of memories that i have blocked out of my head will return if it is helpful for my case. (just not the accident itself because there is no way i want my last memories of jocelyn to be that). it is not even time yet and i already am feeling close to throwing up or breaking down. i dont even know how to put into words what this is to me. no one has ever heard everything in it's entirety. not even my sweet family. and maybe my accident from last week has something to do with everything because when it happened i had a horrible flash back and since then haven't been able to get it out of my head. i don't know. i just ask for your prayers. this is SUCH a huge, huge deal. the outcome will effect the rest of my life.
so thanks for the support, love and prayers. for the friendships that you have each blessed me with and for walking with me through this long season of my life. you are the ones that helped me walk again:) i am a blessed woman....
love,
rachel
ps for those of you who are going to call me, the appointment is supposedly going to last 3 hours so i am just going to leave my cell in my car and afterwards or tomorrow i will call you back and also write another email letting everyone know. again, thank you!!
Hello everyone...
I've been meaning to write this past week but because of one thing or the other haven't been able to. i know a lot of you have asked about my court date for medicaid....well, the day has finally arrived. today at 2:30 i go before the judge and present my case. my lawyer said that the judge can either make a 'bench decision', where he reaches a verdict before i even leave, or, he can make a decision in my favor but only for partial medicaid (as in he grants me medicaid but only retropsective aid, which wll still pay those humongous bills but not give me any ongoig aid). i am horrible at explaining legal matters, but i guess the most important thing i am praying for is that 1) he does no deny me, 2)he gives me ONGOING benefits so that i can still get therapy, etc. and 3)that he rules for the combination of both medicare and medicaid.
when mom and i met with the lawyer on wednesday she said that i have a 'perfect' case in her opinion. that my kind of case is the kind that judges like to award benefits to because it is not through my own irresponsible actions that i am where i am at (ie, i am not a druggie without a job trying to get help for sicknesses that i have because of my own decisions).she said that myjudge (his name is Lamar Davis) is a very kind man and that i am lucky to have him be my judge. It does not surprise me though that God has set it up like this, especially since the happenings of today have been bathed in prayer for over two years now. please pray though that God will give me great favor, that we will have every piece of evidence and statements needed, that since my case is the last case of the day that he will not be weary of listening. my lawyer's name is Alexis and she was an ER nurse for 14 years. therefore she knows, really understands, what all my medical records mean and the implications of such an accident. i am so thankful for her and her expertise.... my most pressing prayer request is for me emotionally though. alexis said that what will happen is that she will present my case by explaining everything in my records,from sept.13th 2003 up until now. mom will be able to be at the hearing but only as support to me, her two-cents worth is not allowed.but thank the Lord i get to have her there to hold my hand. after alexis is finished then Judge Davis will proceed to ask me questions and it will be my turn to tell my story. alexis said that i will need re-live everything in detail. everything! i can't even imagine. i don't think i have re-told or even THOUGHT of everything in chronological order, going step by step through everything ever. that means the day of the accident,the accident itself,my hospital stay,my recovery...everything physical, emotional, and mental up until today....i am overwhelmed just writing about it. when she told me that i would have to talk about everything i started crying because i know that i usually avoid having those types of conversations even though facts such as those seem to always be in the back of my mind. i also am praying that the most painful of memories that i have blocked out of my head will return if it is helpful for my case. (just not the accident itself because there is no way i want my last memories of jocelyn to be that). it is not even time yet and i already am feeling close to throwing up or breaking down. i dont even know how to put into words what this is to me. no one has ever heard everything in it's entirety. not even my sweet family. and maybe my accident from last week has something to do with everything because when it happened i had a horrible flash back and since then haven't been able to get it out of my head. i don't know. i just ask for your prayers. this is SUCH a huge, huge deal. the outcome will effect the rest of my life.
so thanks for the support, love and prayers. for the friendships that you have each blessed me with and for walking with me through this long season of my life. you are the ones that helped me walk again:) i am a blessed woman....
love,
rachel
ps for those of you who are going to call me, the appointment is supposedly going to last 3 hours so i am just going to leave my cell in my car and afterwards or tomorrow i will call you back and also write another email letting everyone know. again, thank you!!
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