31.10.07
be.
my eyes
so fixed upon you
oblivious
to the mire around
held up
embraced
my soul waits
to soar to new heights
clinging
forever holding on
to you
i ache
and i cry
i bury this burning
i cover
what is bleeding
i cannot be
be without you
i cannont see
see without you
i resist the plunging
i deny the falling
i close my eyes
wind rushing
rushing by
please let me be
be without you
please help me see
see without you
-by rlm-
my new song....
DROPLETS by Colbie Callait
I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if that's what I should do
It hurts so bad
I'm wanting you but cant go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don't need it
Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and i'm just waiting for
The droplets, droplets
You left a mark
I wear it proudly on my chest
Above my heart Above my heart
To Remind me that I feel the best
When I'm with you When I'm with you
To me everything is effortless
You know its true
My eyes are painted with regret and I don't need it
Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting to fall and sink into your tears
You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me
You left a mark (you left a mark)
She left a mark (he left)
She left (he left)
And I don't (I dont)
Need it. (Need it)
I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if that's what I should do
It hurts so bad
I'm wanting you but cant go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don't need it
Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and i'm just waiting for
The droplets, droplets
You left a mark
I wear it proudly on my chest
Above my heart Above my heart
To Remind me that I feel the best
When I'm with you When I'm with you
To me everything is effortless
You know its true
My eyes are painted with regret and I don't need it
Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting to fall and sink into your tears
You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me
You left a mark (you left a mark)
She left a mark (he left)
She left (he left)
And I don't (I dont)
Need it. (Need it)
30.10.07
in my room
so i'm in bed, wanting to get tired and drift off to sleep...problem is i've been sleeping for two days straight...literally. my stupid leg is acting up and my body is screaming at me to slow down and keep resting so it can recuperate. my poor mom is helping me keep in mind that if i don't stop overdoing it i will never get better like i want to. but now i'm in one of those ''slumps'' and not knowing what to do. smashing pumpkins is about the right mood for me right now.
we did have oxygen tonight and heard about mom's and peter's trip to nica. made me want to fly there tomorrow and never come back. there was a song we sung about being in the shadow of His wings and that line was so comforting to me because I know that i really am safe in Him. that with all my thoughts that i can't seem to capture, with all my doubts and fears about my future, it's still ok.
going to turn it off now....
sweet dreams!
we did have oxygen tonight and heard about mom's and peter's trip to nica. made me want to fly there tomorrow and never come back. there was a song we sung about being in the shadow of His wings and that line was so comforting to me because I know that i really am safe in Him. that with all my thoughts that i can't seem to capture, with all my doubts and fears about my future, it's still ok.
going to turn it off now....
sweet dreams!
26.10.07
still writing...
so i was going to go to bed but for some reason i am all wound up. so i am going to write more and if you would rather not read my ramblings then i understand.
i don't even know what i am going to write about. surely nothing brilliant, for brilliance seems to come to me in those rare moments that are between beauty and pain. and right now i feel more in the midst of a melancholy mediocrity. i don't even feel like reaching for anything more. tonight i am just sitting. and being. not contemplating any of life's great secrets. merely (interrupted...)
hahaha, merely...now sweet adri woke up and is looking for her vaga mommy so i'm going to go tell her a story...
i don't even know what i am going to write about. surely nothing brilliant, for brilliance seems to come to me in those rare moments that are between beauty and pain. and right now i feel more in the midst of a melancholy mediocrity. i don't even feel like reaching for anything more. tonight i am just sitting. and being. not contemplating any of life's great secrets. merely (interrupted...)
hahaha, merely...now sweet adri woke up and is looking for her vaga mommy so i'm going to go tell her a story...
shattered
mirror mirror on the wall
who shattered you
who shattered me
the pieces fall where they may
and i stay
stay and look away
ceasing to feel
ceasing to cry
i dry my eyes
close my mouth
i desist
mirror mirror on the wall
who looks into you
who looks into me
me
myself
and i
hauntingly sad
forever broken
my melody
cannot be heard
mirror mirror on the wall
bits of you
bits of me
glued together
cracked
forever a broken image
of what once was
a constant reminder
of what could have been
mirror mirror on the wall
who sees you
who sees me
no one
for i hide
afraid
of consequences
unseen
of words
unsought
of despise
undeserved
mirror mirror on the wall
who shattered you
who shattered me
the pieces fall where they may
and i stay
who shattered you
who shattered me
the pieces fall where they may
and i stay
stay and look away
ceasing to feel
ceasing to cry
i dry my eyes
close my mouth
i desist
mirror mirror on the wall
who looks into you
who looks into me
me
myself
and i
hauntingly sad
forever broken
my melody
cannot be heard
mirror mirror on the wall
bits of you
bits of me
glued together
cracked
forever a broken image
of what once was
a constant reminder
of what could have been
mirror mirror on the wall
who sees you
who sees me
no one
for i hide
afraid
of consequences
unseen
of words
unsought
of despise
undeserved
mirror mirror on the wall
who shattered you
who shattered me
the pieces fall where they may
and i stay
operation rachel....an update
Hello Everyone!!
This letter has been a long time coming and I'm so sorry I have not written before...I don't really have a good excuse :S
On October 4th I went in for my, I think, 20th operation...I am losing count...This is the operation I was supposed to have done in August but it got postponed because of other complications. The plan was to do three things...1) open up my fasciotomy site on my calf (for those of you who know medical terms, how do you spell that??)...they wanted to cut out the scar tissue and release the tendons so that I would have more range of motion in my foot and leg. 2) cut the middle bone out of my pinky toe because it was still majorly contracted and bent....and 3) do a sort of z-plasty procedure on my achilles tendon where they would make small incisions to lengthen it because it has already atrophied and is shortened now.
So (for the first time!), my operation was done on time, at 7:30am. Dr. Chang, the WONDERFUL surgeon who has done all my operations since I came back to San Antonio was not able to be there and so a team of three others, including the chief of plastic surgery, operated on me. They completed tasks 1 and 2 but for some reason did not lengthen my achilles tendon. But...(and i am SO excited!!) since they had to cut open my leg again, where there was a huge ugly scar, he folded the muscles over and closed it up and so now it looks normal except a long thin scar down the side (i attached pictures but i don't think it looks as amazing as it is to me...). I never thought that I was going to be able to get it redone because that falls under plastic surgery and medicaid doesn't cover it. But since they had to go in anyways and my surgeon ''happened'' to be a plastic surgeon, he was able to close it up beautifully. And I am ECSTATIC!! That was always the one scar I really always couldn't stand and God blessed me so much by providing for it to get fixed:) The story behind how this came about is just another irony...one day I was in Dr. Chang's office waiting for him, and the resident came in to do all the questions and paperwork beforehand. He was glancing over my records and since Dr. Chang had told him a bit about my story he started asking questions. To make a long story short, it turns out that he used to make rounds with the orthopedic surgeons at Memorial Hermann the exact same time that I was in houston!! So he said he vaguely remembered me but I couldn't remember the names of all the Attendings so we got stuck there...He did know the world-famous doctor though who had done my fasciotomy and he said he was known for doing an incredible job on them. So he started looking at mine and said that in his opinion there was enough muscle left over to be able to close it all the way up. So when Dr. Chang did come in the room he mentioned it to him and that is how it all got started:) God works in very mysterious ways...
Back to the present...I am going Wednesday to see Dr. Chang and see what to do about the achilles tendon now and actually unwrap my foot and see how my tiny toe is and hopefully take out the stitches from my leg.
So, that is my big news. I was going to write beforehand like I always do but I wasn't around internet the week before so I wasn't able to.
and, as many of you know, my mom and peter are down in Nicaragua right now...Mom is getting her teeth fixed and of course making the rounds of the people, doctors, mi familia staff, etc...while also carrying out hurricane relief. she is due back thursday night (as of today;) and i know will have many stories to write about. thanks to all who have supported her in this and for all the prayers. she said the damage is just devastating right now and on top of the hurricane it is still rainy season there with no end in sight and all the crops are getting ruined and houses are being flooded, etc. there is so much to be done. i know that when she gets back we will continue in our efforts to raise support and help as we will all be going down there in december.
I do have another prayer request for myself, for those who have asked. I don't know if you will remember, but due to the breaks in my femurs, my left one healed a lot shorter (3 1/2 cm). This length discrepancy is quite a bit when compared to the average...I thought I was going to be stuck like this for life because anytime I asked ANY of my doctors about the chance of getting it fixed somehow the answer was always that there was no way. The thing about having a leg shorter is not as much the agony of not being able to wear flip flops or heals (haha) but that the pain affects me so much. I limp pretty badly without shoes and my spine is slowly curving because of it and it also has made it where my hip pops out a lot and my pelvis is tilted. In other words, a lot of other issues stem from the length discrepancy. I even have been asking for the past year if they could just cut 3 1/2 cm out of my other femur so I would be even. But that is the leg where my femoral artery got severed so they don't even want to operate and take the rod out. A few months ago Dr. Chang said that there was a chance of either shortening my right leg (which he later nixed) or lengthening my left. There are a few options to choose from and we are still exploring them, but the gist of it is that it will be a very lengthy and painful process (up to two years)...while I heal from this surgery we will decide what to do about my femur and probably start everything early next year. I am very, very happy that it is even an option and though it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of such a long process, I know it will help me with my pain level for the rest of my life. So it's good:) but I do want prayer for wisdom, of which procedure to have done and when and also for the other areas of my life, because once again it will be centered around medical appointments, operations and therapy. I am really not knowing what to do about school and work, etc. It's a pretty big deal but I am excited for this next phase of getting all the way better and am trying not to be overwhelmed by the imensity of it all.
And one more thing before I lose you all in this book I've written...I wanted to say thanks again to each of you. Every time I get an operation everything comes flooding back...all the bad memories and nightmares and hospital smells and yucky medicines...but then in the midst of it all I am always reminded of the blessing of my family and friends. You are always the ones who never tire of praying for me, of encouraging me, of emailing and listening to me complaining. I always think that maybe the next operation will be harder because I always expect people to get tired of dealing with me! But then I am surprised (stupid me) of how exceptionally lovely everyone always is. Home-made chocolate chip cookies, flowers, text messages and cards and emails from far-away nicaragua...it helps so, so much. To know that I am not forgotten and am never in this alone...this is what gives me strength and helps me know that no matter how long this journey of recovery is, I can do it. With God's help and you, my forever faithful friends, I know that not only will my body be restored but also my heart and spirit. This time was a bit odd because my mom had to leave two days after my operation and I was freaking out a little, because who babies better than Mom?? And who talks to the doctors, who is my advocate...?? But I knew she was supposed to go so when we scheduled the operation I told her not to worry about it. Then I proceeded to worry more than her of course...but after she left I was so well taken care of and so loved on. (I did miss you though Mom don't worry!!). After the weekend of staying at home with my EVER patient and long-suffering and sweet family (Papa even had to carry me up and down the stairs) I came to my Aunt and Uncle's house and have been named princess because they spoil me rotten:) It has been probably the easiest recovery I have had yet, due also to the fact that they didn't cut my achilles tendon. I stopped taking my pain meds after a week because of my nightmares and hallucinations starting up, and God's grace has been incredible and I have not needed to take anymore except once:) but thank you for all the small gestures and thoughts...they do mean so much. One friend that was coming to see me called and asked if she could get me something and so I asked her for a shake...she didn't remember what flavor I wanted and so brought me all three with a huge boquet of flowers. Totally made my day. (thank you Yanett!!)...
I guess I will get going. I am glad that I have you all to write to and glad that you worry when I don't write...you're my angels that hold me up when I feel so weak....
Sending my love always,
Rachel
This letter has been a long time coming and I'm so sorry I have not written before...I don't really have a good excuse :S
On October 4th I went in for my, I think, 20th operation...I am losing count...This is the operation I was supposed to have done in August but it got postponed because of other complications. The plan was to do three things...1) open up my fasciotomy site on my calf (for those of you who know medical terms, how do you spell that??)...they wanted to cut out the scar tissue and release the tendons so that I would have more range of motion in my foot and leg. 2) cut the middle bone out of my pinky toe because it was still majorly contracted and bent....and 3) do a sort of z-plasty procedure on my achilles tendon where they would make small incisions to lengthen it because it has already atrophied and is shortened now.
So (for the first time!), my operation was done on time, at 7:30am. Dr. Chang, the WONDERFUL surgeon who has done all my operations since I came back to San Antonio was not able to be there and so a team of three others, including the chief of plastic surgery, operated on me. They completed tasks 1 and 2 but for some reason did not lengthen my achilles tendon. But...(and i am SO excited!!) since they had to cut open my leg again, where there was a huge ugly scar, he folded the muscles over and closed it up and so now it looks normal except a long thin scar down the side (i attached pictures but i don't think it looks as amazing as it is to me...). I never thought that I was going to be able to get it redone because that falls under plastic surgery and medicaid doesn't cover it. But since they had to go in anyways and my surgeon ''happened'' to be a plastic surgeon, he was able to close it up beautifully. And I am ECSTATIC!! That was always the one scar I really always couldn't stand and God blessed me so much by providing for it to get fixed:) The story behind how this came about is just another irony...one day I was in Dr. Chang's office waiting for him, and the resident came in to do all the questions and paperwork beforehand. He was glancing over my records and since Dr. Chang had told him a bit about my story he started asking questions. To make a long story short, it turns out that he used to make rounds with the orthopedic surgeons at Memorial Hermann the exact same time that I was in houston!! So he said he vaguely remembered me but I couldn't remember the names of all the Attendings so we got stuck there...He did know the world-famous doctor though who had done my fasciotomy and he said he was known for doing an incredible job on them. So he started looking at mine and said that in his opinion there was enough muscle left over to be able to close it all the way up. So when Dr. Chang did come in the room he mentioned it to him and that is how it all got started:) God works in very mysterious ways...
Back to the present...I am going Wednesday to see Dr. Chang and see what to do about the achilles tendon now and actually unwrap my foot and see how my tiny toe is and hopefully take out the stitches from my leg.
So, that is my big news. I was going to write beforehand like I always do but I wasn't around internet the week before so I wasn't able to.
and, as many of you know, my mom and peter are down in Nicaragua right now...Mom is getting her teeth fixed and of course making the rounds of the people, doctors, mi familia staff, etc...while also carrying out hurricane relief. she is due back thursday night (as of today;) and i know will have many stories to write about. thanks to all who have supported her in this and for all the prayers. she said the damage is just devastating right now and on top of the hurricane it is still rainy season there with no end in sight and all the crops are getting ruined and houses are being flooded, etc. there is so much to be done. i know that when she gets back we will continue in our efforts to raise support and help as we will all be going down there in december.
I do have another prayer request for myself, for those who have asked. I don't know if you will remember, but due to the breaks in my femurs, my left one healed a lot shorter (3 1/2 cm). This length discrepancy is quite a bit when compared to the average...I thought I was going to be stuck like this for life because anytime I asked ANY of my doctors about the chance of getting it fixed somehow the answer was always that there was no way. The thing about having a leg shorter is not as much the agony of not being able to wear flip flops or heals (haha) but that the pain affects me so much. I limp pretty badly without shoes and my spine is slowly curving because of it and it also has made it where my hip pops out a lot and my pelvis is tilted. In other words, a lot of other issues stem from the length discrepancy. I even have been asking for the past year if they could just cut 3 1/2 cm out of my other femur so I would be even. But that is the leg where my femoral artery got severed so they don't even want to operate and take the rod out. A few months ago Dr. Chang said that there was a chance of either shortening my right leg (which he later nixed) or lengthening my left. There are a few options to choose from and we are still exploring them, but the gist of it is that it will be a very lengthy and painful process (up to two years)...while I heal from this surgery we will decide what to do about my femur and probably start everything early next year. I am very, very happy that it is even an option and though it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of such a long process, I know it will help me with my pain level for the rest of my life. So it's good:) but I do want prayer for wisdom, of which procedure to have done and when and also for the other areas of my life, because once again it will be centered around medical appointments, operations and therapy. I am really not knowing what to do about school and work, etc. It's a pretty big deal but I am excited for this next phase of getting all the way better and am trying not to be overwhelmed by the imensity of it all.
And one more thing before I lose you all in this book I've written...I wanted to say thanks again to each of you. Every time I get an operation everything comes flooding back...all the bad memories and nightmares and hospital smells and yucky medicines...but then in the midst of it all I am always reminded of the blessing of my family and friends. You are always the ones who never tire of praying for me, of encouraging me, of emailing and listening to me complaining. I always think that maybe the next operation will be harder because I always expect people to get tired of dealing with me! But then I am surprised (stupid me) of how exceptionally lovely everyone always is. Home-made chocolate chip cookies, flowers, text messages and cards and emails from far-away nicaragua...it helps so, so much. To know that I am not forgotten and am never in this alone...this is what gives me strength and helps me know that no matter how long this journey of recovery is, I can do it. With God's help and you, my forever faithful friends, I know that not only will my body be restored but also my heart and spirit. This time was a bit odd because my mom had to leave two days after my operation and I was freaking out a little, because who babies better than Mom?? And who talks to the doctors, who is my advocate...?? But I knew she was supposed to go so when we scheduled the operation I told her not to worry about it. Then I proceeded to worry more than her of course...but after she left I was so well taken care of and so loved on. (I did miss you though Mom don't worry!!). After the weekend of staying at home with my EVER patient and long-suffering and sweet family (Papa even had to carry me up and down the stairs) I came to my Aunt and Uncle's house and have been named princess because they spoil me rotten:) It has been probably the easiest recovery I have had yet, due also to the fact that they didn't cut my achilles tendon. I stopped taking my pain meds after a week because of my nightmares and hallucinations starting up, and God's grace has been incredible and I have not needed to take anymore except once:) but thank you for all the small gestures and thoughts...they do mean so much. One friend that was coming to see me called and asked if she could get me something and so I asked her for a shake...she didn't remember what flavor I wanted and so brought me all three with a huge boquet of flowers. Totally made my day. (thank you Yanett!!)...
I guess I will get going. I am glad that I have you all to write to and glad that you worry when I don't write...you're my angels that hold me up when I feel so weak....
Sending my love always,
Rachel
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