so today is jocelyn's bday. she'd be freaking out because she'd be 25!! i was getting all depressed and sad on my way home and when i got in the car and turned on the radio her spanish 'happy' song was on (windy you know which one:). it was strange because i haven't heard that song in forever and it "happened" to be playing...so i decided to smile and be ok...because she's happy. and i will get to see her again someday. and she's not hurting. she's eternally joce...everything good stayed with her and everything bad just melted away. it would be so awesome to talk to her though. i wish i could just have a day to hang with her. in our apartment with windy. eating her brownies while they play mario cart. watching her hip-hop videos and then putting 'raining on sunday' on repeat. being stupid and laughing our heads off together. talking and crying about whatever boy was giving us trouble at the moment and eating cookie dough ice cream to make it all better. she was awesome. it's so amazing how one person can be so much to you...have such a huge part in your life because they are so unique and special. there really is no one that can come close to being who she was. she loved with no limits. was bitchy one minute and hugging you the next because she couldn't stand conflict. she was horrible at ever saving her tip money because she invited everyone to everything and never put herself first. she loved my family, her family, as much as i do...she made everyone around feel as special as they truly were. her faults were the kind that you could overlook because her heart was always in the right place and she always wanted you to be happy. she taught me to trust, and then again, how not to trust. she always put herself so much out there that she got hurt a lot. but i think she liked it that way, because then she never wondered 'what could have been'. because everything just was. and everything just is. i think that's what she would tell me today. that today is ok because it just is. things are good and life is still worth living with abandon. not because you might die tomorrow, but because you are alive today. it's worth wearing your heart on your sleave...giving and giving until you are spent but drenched with the happiness of emptying yourself...
everything that will be will be and everything that is...just is.
happy bday my joce...i love you!!!!!! miss you like crazy...DOUBLE TROUBLE BABY!!!!! jajajajaja.... CBD!!!!!! FOREVER!!!!!
4.5.08
3.5.08
let it be. (dedicado a mi amiga linda, ya sabes quien sos...muah!)
so let go
just let go
look back
fondly
on those times
so sweet
smile
at the road ahead
and think of me
raise your eyes
to the sky so blue
take a deep breath
act like it's ok , this
goodbye
don't forget me
i won't forget you
embrace the day
just let it be
we thought our moment was forever
forgetting
to watch the change
of the us that ebbed and flowed
forgetting
to remember
that nothing stays the same
now my hand is empty
the feel of your skin gone
your eyes
they sadly haunt me
but baby
i must go on.
31.10.07
be.
my eyes
so fixed upon you
oblivious
to the mire around
held up
embraced
my soul waits
to soar to new heights
clinging
forever holding on
to you
i ache
and i cry
i bury this burning
i cover
what is bleeding
i cannot be
be without you
i cannont see
see without you
i resist the plunging
i deny the falling
i close my eyes
wind rushing
rushing by
please let me be
be without you
please help me see
see without you
-by rlm-
my new song....
DROPLETS by Colbie Callait
I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if that's what I should do
It hurts so bad
I'm wanting you but cant go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don't need it
Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and i'm just waiting for
The droplets, droplets
You left a mark
I wear it proudly on my chest
Above my heart Above my heart
To Remind me that I feel the best
When I'm with you When I'm with you
To me everything is effortless
You know its true
My eyes are painted with regret and I don't need it
Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting to fall and sink into your tears
You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me
You left a mark (you left a mark)
She left a mark (he left)
She left (he left)
And I don't (I dont)
Need it. (Need it)
I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if that's what I should do
It hurts so bad
I'm wanting you but cant go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don't need it
Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and i'm just waiting for
The droplets, droplets
You left a mark
I wear it proudly on my chest
Above my heart Above my heart
To Remind me that I feel the best
When I'm with you When I'm with you
To me everything is effortless
You know its true
My eyes are painted with regret and I don't need it
Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting to fall and sink into your tears
You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me
You left a mark (you left a mark)
She left a mark (he left)
She left (he left)
And I don't (I dont)
Need it. (Need it)
30.10.07
in my room
so i'm in bed, wanting to get tired and drift off to sleep...problem is i've been sleeping for two days straight...literally. my stupid leg is acting up and my body is screaming at me to slow down and keep resting so it can recuperate. my poor mom is helping me keep in mind that if i don't stop overdoing it i will never get better like i want to. but now i'm in one of those ''slumps'' and not knowing what to do. smashing pumpkins is about the right mood for me right now.
we did have oxygen tonight and heard about mom's and peter's trip to nica. made me want to fly there tomorrow and never come back. there was a song we sung about being in the shadow of His wings and that line was so comforting to me because I know that i really am safe in Him. that with all my thoughts that i can't seem to capture, with all my doubts and fears about my future, it's still ok.
going to turn it off now....
sweet dreams!
we did have oxygen tonight and heard about mom's and peter's trip to nica. made me want to fly there tomorrow and never come back. there was a song we sung about being in the shadow of His wings and that line was so comforting to me because I know that i really am safe in Him. that with all my thoughts that i can't seem to capture, with all my doubts and fears about my future, it's still ok.
going to turn it off now....
sweet dreams!
26.10.07
still writing...
so i was going to go to bed but for some reason i am all wound up. so i am going to write more and if you would rather not read my ramblings then i understand.
i don't even know what i am going to write about. surely nothing brilliant, for brilliance seems to come to me in those rare moments that are between beauty and pain. and right now i feel more in the midst of a melancholy mediocrity. i don't even feel like reaching for anything more. tonight i am just sitting. and being. not contemplating any of life's great secrets. merely (interrupted...)
hahaha, merely...now sweet adri woke up and is looking for her vaga mommy so i'm going to go tell her a story...
i don't even know what i am going to write about. surely nothing brilliant, for brilliance seems to come to me in those rare moments that are between beauty and pain. and right now i feel more in the midst of a melancholy mediocrity. i don't even feel like reaching for anything more. tonight i am just sitting. and being. not contemplating any of life's great secrets. merely (interrupted...)
hahaha, merely...now sweet adri woke up and is looking for her vaga mommy so i'm going to go tell her a story...
shattered
mirror mirror on the wall
who shattered you
who shattered me
the pieces fall where they may
and i stay
stay and look away
ceasing to feel
ceasing to cry
i dry my eyes
close my mouth
i desist
mirror mirror on the wall
who looks into you
who looks into me
me
myself
and i
hauntingly sad
forever broken
my melody
cannot be heard
mirror mirror on the wall
bits of you
bits of me
glued together
cracked
forever a broken image
of what once was
a constant reminder
of what could have been
mirror mirror on the wall
who sees you
who sees me
no one
for i hide
afraid
of consequences
unseen
of words
unsought
of despise
undeserved
mirror mirror on the wall
who shattered you
who shattered me
the pieces fall where they may
and i stay
who shattered you
who shattered me
the pieces fall where they may
and i stay
stay and look away
ceasing to feel
ceasing to cry
i dry my eyes
close my mouth
i desist
mirror mirror on the wall
who looks into you
who looks into me
me
myself
and i
hauntingly sad
forever broken
my melody
cannot be heard
mirror mirror on the wall
bits of you
bits of me
glued together
cracked
forever a broken image
of what once was
a constant reminder
of what could have been
mirror mirror on the wall
who sees you
who sees me
no one
for i hide
afraid
of consequences
unseen
of words
unsought
of despise
undeserved
mirror mirror on the wall
who shattered you
who shattered me
the pieces fall where they may
and i stay
operation rachel....an update
Hello Everyone!!
This letter has been a long time coming and I'm so sorry I have not written before...I don't really have a good excuse :S
On October 4th I went in for my, I think, 20th operation...I am losing count...This is the operation I was supposed to have done in August but it got postponed because of other complications. The plan was to do three things...1) open up my fasciotomy site on my calf (for those of you who know medical terms, how do you spell that??)...they wanted to cut out the scar tissue and release the tendons so that I would have more range of motion in my foot and leg. 2) cut the middle bone out of my pinky toe because it was still majorly contracted and bent....and 3) do a sort of z-plasty procedure on my achilles tendon where they would make small incisions to lengthen it because it has already atrophied and is shortened now.
So (for the first time!), my operation was done on time, at 7:30am. Dr. Chang, the WONDERFUL surgeon who has done all my operations since I came back to San Antonio was not able to be there and so a team of three others, including the chief of plastic surgery, operated on me. They completed tasks 1 and 2 but for some reason did not lengthen my achilles tendon. But...(and i am SO excited!!) since they had to cut open my leg again, where there was a huge ugly scar, he folded the muscles over and closed it up and so now it looks normal except a long thin scar down the side (i attached pictures but i don't think it looks as amazing as it is to me...). I never thought that I was going to be able to get it redone because that falls under plastic surgery and medicaid doesn't cover it. But since they had to go in anyways and my surgeon ''happened'' to be a plastic surgeon, he was able to close it up beautifully. And I am ECSTATIC!! That was always the one scar I really always couldn't stand and God blessed me so much by providing for it to get fixed:) The story behind how this came about is just another irony...one day I was in Dr. Chang's office waiting for him, and the resident came in to do all the questions and paperwork beforehand. He was glancing over my records and since Dr. Chang had told him a bit about my story he started asking questions. To make a long story short, it turns out that he used to make rounds with the orthopedic surgeons at Memorial Hermann the exact same time that I was in houston!! So he said he vaguely remembered me but I couldn't remember the names of all the Attendings so we got stuck there...He did know the world-famous doctor though who had done my fasciotomy and he said he was known for doing an incredible job on them. So he started looking at mine and said that in his opinion there was enough muscle left over to be able to close it all the way up. So when Dr. Chang did come in the room he mentioned it to him and that is how it all got started:) God works in very mysterious ways...
Back to the present...I am going Wednesday to see Dr. Chang and see what to do about the achilles tendon now and actually unwrap my foot and see how my tiny toe is and hopefully take out the stitches from my leg.
So, that is my big news. I was going to write beforehand like I always do but I wasn't around internet the week before so I wasn't able to.
and, as many of you know, my mom and peter are down in Nicaragua right now...Mom is getting her teeth fixed and of course making the rounds of the people, doctors, mi familia staff, etc...while also carrying out hurricane relief. she is due back thursday night (as of today;) and i know will have many stories to write about. thanks to all who have supported her in this and for all the prayers. she said the damage is just devastating right now and on top of the hurricane it is still rainy season there with no end in sight and all the crops are getting ruined and houses are being flooded, etc. there is so much to be done. i know that when she gets back we will continue in our efforts to raise support and help as we will all be going down there in december.
I do have another prayer request for myself, for those who have asked. I don't know if you will remember, but due to the breaks in my femurs, my left one healed a lot shorter (3 1/2 cm). This length discrepancy is quite a bit when compared to the average...I thought I was going to be stuck like this for life because anytime I asked ANY of my doctors about the chance of getting it fixed somehow the answer was always that there was no way. The thing about having a leg shorter is not as much the agony of not being able to wear flip flops or heals (haha) but that the pain affects me so much. I limp pretty badly without shoes and my spine is slowly curving because of it and it also has made it where my hip pops out a lot and my pelvis is tilted. In other words, a lot of other issues stem from the length discrepancy. I even have been asking for the past year if they could just cut 3 1/2 cm out of my other femur so I would be even. But that is the leg where my femoral artery got severed so they don't even want to operate and take the rod out. A few months ago Dr. Chang said that there was a chance of either shortening my right leg (which he later nixed) or lengthening my left. There are a few options to choose from and we are still exploring them, but the gist of it is that it will be a very lengthy and painful process (up to two years)...while I heal from this surgery we will decide what to do about my femur and probably start everything early next year. I am very, very happy that it is even an option and though it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of such a long process, I know it will help me with my pain level for the rest of my life. So it's good:) but I do want prayer for wisdom, of which procedure to have done and when and also for the other areas of my life, because once again it will be centered around medical appointments, operations and therapy. I am really not knowing what to do about school and work, etc. It's a pretty big deal but I am excited for this next phase of getting all the way better and am trying not to be overwhelmed by the imensity of it all.
And one more thing before I lose you all in this book I've written...I wanted to say thanks again to each of you. Every time I get an operation everything comes flooding back...all the bad memories and nightmares and hospital smells and yucky medicines...but then in the midst of it all I am always reminded of the blessing of my family and friends. You are always the ones who never tire of praying for me, of encouraging me, of emailing and listening to me complaining. I always think that maybe the next operation will be harder because I always expect people to get tired of dealing with me! But then I am surprised (stupid me) of how exceptionally lovely everyone always is. Home-made chocolate chip cookies, flowers, text messages and cards and emails from far-away nicaragua...it helps so, so much. To know that I am not forgotten and am never in this alone...this is what gives me strength and helps me know that no matter how long this journey of recovery is, I can do it. With God's help and you, my forever faithful friends, I know that not only will my body be restored but also my heart and spirit. This time was a bit odd because my mom had to leave two days after my operation and I was freaking out a little, because who babies better than Mom?? And who talks to the doctors, who is my advocate...?? But I knew she was supposed to go so when we scheduled the operation I told her not to worry about it. Then I proceeded to worry more than her of course...but after she left I was so well taken care of and so loved on. (I did miss you though Mom don't worry!!). After the weekend of staying at home with my EVER patient and long-suffering and sweet family (Papa even had to carry me up and down the stairs) I came to my Aunt and Uncle's house and have been named princess because they spoil me rotten:) It has been probably the easiest recovery I have had yet, due also to the fact that they didn't cut my achilles tendon. I stopped taking my pain meds after a week because of my nightmares and hallucinations starting up, and God's grace has been incredible and I have not needed to take anymore except once:) but thank you for all the small gestures and thoughts...they do mean so much. One friend that was coming to see me called and asked if she could get me something and so I asked her for a shake...she didn't remember what flavor I wanted and so brought me all three with a huge boquet of flowers. Totally made my day. (thank you Yanett!!)...
I guess I will get going. I am glad that I have you all to write to and glad that you worry when I don't write...you're my angels that hold me up when I feel so weak....
Sending my love always,
Rachel
This letter has been a long time coming and I'm so sorry I have not written before...I don't really have a good excuse :S
On October 4th I went in for my, I think, 20th operation...I am losing count...This is the operation I was supposed to have done in August but it got postponed because of other complications. The plan was to do three things...1) open up my fasciotomy site on my calf (for those of you who know medical terms, how do you spell that??)...they wanted to cut out the scar tissue and release the tendons so that I would have more range of motion in my foot and leg. 2) cut the middle bone out of my pinky toe because it was still majorly contracted and bent....and 3) do a sort of z-plasty procedure on my achilles tendon where they would make small incisions to lengthen it because it has already atrophied and is shortened now.
So (for the first time!), my operation was done on time, at 7:30am. Dr. Chang, the WONDERFUL surgeon who has done all my operations since I came back to San Antonio was not able to be there and so a team of three others, including the chief of plastic surgery, operated on me. They completed tasks 1 and 2 but for some reason did not lengthen my achilles tendon. But...(and i am SO excited!!) since they had to cut open my leg again, where there was a huge ugly scar, he folded the muscles over and closed it up and so now it looks normal except a long thin scar down the side (i attached pictures but i don't think it looks as amazing as it is to me...). I never thought that I was going to be able to get it redone because that falls under plastic surgery and medicaid doesn't cover it. But since they had to go in anyways and my surgeon ''happened'' to be a plastic surgeon, he was able to close it up beautifully. And I am ECSTATIC!! That was always the one scar I really always couldn't stand and God blessed me so much by providing for it to get fixed:) The story behind how this came about is just another irony...one day I was in Dr. Chang's office waiting for him, and the resident came in to do all the questions and paperwork beforehand. He was glancing over my records and since Dr. Chang had told him a bit about my story he started asking questions. To make a long story short, it turns out that he used to make rounds with the orthopedic surgeons at Memorial Hermann the exact same time that I was in houston!! So he said he vaguely remembered me but I couldn't remember the names of all the Attendings so we got stuck there...He did know the world-famous doctor though who had done my fasciotomy and he said he was known for doing an incredible job on them. So he started looking at mine and said that in his opinion there was enough muscle left over to be able to close it all the way up. So when Dr. Chang did come in the room he mentioned it to him and that is how it all got started:) God works in very mysterious ways...
Back to the present...I am going Wednesday to see Dr. Chang and see what to do about the achilles tendon now and actually unwrap my foot and see how my tiny toe is and hopefully take out the stitches from my leg.
So, that is my big news. I was going to write beforehand like I always do but I wasn't around internet the week before so I wasn't able to.
and, as many of you know, my mom and peter are down in Nicaragua right now...Mom is getting her teeth fixed and of course making the rounds of the people, doctors, mi familia staff, etc...while also carrying out hurricane relief. she is due back thursday night (as of today;) and i know will have many stories to write about. thanks to all who have supported her in this and for all the prayers. she said the damage is just devastating right now and on top of the hurricane it is still rainy season there with no end in sight and all the crops are getting ruined and houses are being flooded, etc. there is so much to be done. i know that when she gets back we will continue in our efforts to raise support and help as we will all be going down there in december.
I do have another prayer request for myself, for those who have asked. I don't know if you will remember, but due to the breaks in my femurs, my left one healed a lot shorter (3 1/2 cm). This length discrepancy is quite a bit when compared to the average...I thought I was going to be stuck like this for life because anytime I asked ANY of my doctors about the chance of getting it fixed somehow the answer was always that there was no way. The thing about having a leg shorter is not as much the agony of not being able to wear flip flops or heals (haha) but that the pain affects me so much. I limp pretty badly without shoes and my spine is slowly curving because of it and it also has made it where my hip pops out a lot and my pelvis is tilted. In other words, a lot of other issues stem from the length discrepancy. I even have been asking for the past year if they could just cut 3 1/2 cm out of my other femur so I would be even. But that is the leg where my femoral artery got severed so they don't even want to operate and take the rod out. A few months ago Dr. Chang said that there was a chance of either shortening my right leg (which he later nixed) or lengthening my left. There are a few options to choose from and we are still exploring them, but the gist of it is that it will be a very lengthy and painful process (up to two years)...while I heal from this surgery we will decide what to do about my femur and probably start everything early next year. I am very, very happy that it is even an option and though it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of such a long process, I know it will help me with my pain level for the rest of my life. So it's good:) but I do want prayer for wisdom, of which procedure to have done and when and also for the other areas of my life, because once again it will be centered around medical appointments, operations and therapy. I am really not knowing what to do about school and work, etc. It's a pretty big deal but I am excited for this next phase of getting all the way better and am trying not to be overwhelmed by the imensity of it all.
And one more thing before I lose you all in this book I've written...I wanted to say thanks again to each of you. Every time I get an operation everything comes flooding back...all the bad memories and nightmares and hospital smells and yucky medicines...but then in the midst of it all I am always reminded of the blessing of my family and friends. You are always the ones who never tire of praying for me, of encouraging me, of emailing and listening to me complaining. I always think that maybe the next operation will be harder because I always expect people to get tired of dealing with me! But then I am surprised (stupid me) of how exceptionally lovely everyone always is. Home-made chocolate chip cookies, flowers, text messages and cards and emails from far-away nicaragua...it helps so, so much. To know that I am not forgotten and am never in this alone...this is what gives me strength and helps me know that no matter how long this journey of recovery is, I can do it. With God's help and you, my forever faithful friends, I know that not only will my body be restored but also my heart and spirit. This time was a bit odd because my mom had to leave two days after my operation and I was freaking out a little, because who babies better than Mom?? And who talks to the doctors, who is my advocate...?? But I knew she was supposed to go so when we scheduled the operation I told her not to worry about it. Then I proceeded to worry more than her of course...but after she left I was so well taken care of and so loved on. (I did miss you though Mom don't worry!!). After the weekend of staying at home with my EVER patient and long-suffering and sweet family (Papa even had to carry me up and down the stairs) I came to my Aunt and Uncle's house and have been named princess because they spoil me rotten:) It has been probably the easiest recovery I have had yet, due also to the fact that they didn't cut my achilles tendon. I stopped taking my pain meds after a week because of my nightmares and hallucinations starting up, and God's grace has been incredible and I have not needed to take anymore except once:) but thank you for all the small gestures and thoughts...they do mean so much. One friend that was coming to see me called and asked if she could get me something and so I asked her for a shake...she didn't remember what flavor I wanted and so brought me all three with a huge boquet of flowers. Totally made my day. (thank you Yanett!!)...
I guess I will get going. I am glad that I have you all to write to and glad that you worry when I don't write...you're my angels that hold me up when I feel so weak....
Sending my love always,
Rachel
1.9.07
dirty jeans
grace falls
impurity seeps in
and i am caught
an entrapment
fed by selfishness
held together
by my humanness
my inability
to unblind myself
see
and not
wear my dark glasses
cut the cords that bind
dig into my skin
harsh
yet beloved
by me
picking at the thorns
that i myself grew
wondering where are the roses
that never bloomed
forever seeing
constantly forgetting
my own dear conspiracy
is played upon my soul
written by an unwilling hand
and guided by an incautious heart
grace has fallen
impurity seeps in
craziness in my brain
wars against
the solid reason
i choose to ignore
change sinks into the quicksand
of time
procrastination
breeds
falling
my knees are scraped
i wipe my hands
on my dirty jeans
shrug my shoulders
and wish
that this was not me.
impurity seeps in
and i am caught
an entrapment
fed by selfishness
held together
by my humanness
my inability
to unblind myself
see
and not
wear my dark glasses
cut the cords that bind
dig into my skin
harsh
yet beloved
by me
picking at the thorns
that i myself grew
wondering where are the roses
that never bloomed
forever seeing
constantly forgetting
my own dear conspiracy
is played upon my soul
written by an unwilling hand
and guided by an incautious heart
grace has fallen
impurity seeps in
craziness in my brain
wars against
the solid reason
i choose to ignore
change sinks into the quicksand
of time
procrastination
breeds
falling
my knees are scraped
i wipe my hands
on my dirty jeans
shrug my shoulders
and wish
that this was not me.
23.8.06
daybreak
just a thought away
a feeling
not a touch
not a whisper
this aching
missing
not audible
but oh
such a blaring need
forgive me
for my mind
is wrapped in thoughts
moments
all of you
swept away
i drown
in these waves of longing
that carry me to the brink
of the shores of Insanity
dreams
bring you near
i would stay alseep
lest you disappear
an allusive blessing
a searing kiss
that wakes me
and tosses me
back into this waiting
on you.
11.10.05
my stepping stone
forgotten desires
broken dreams
where does the strength come from
to rise
and face this day
this overwhelming day
where the sun shines
yet does not warm
where smiles abound
yet none reach me
blessed
cursed
i am neither.
beyond the forgotten
yet near enough
to be remembered
your eyes peer
yet do not penetrate
your ears hear
yet do not listen
i stare
beyond what is now
when shall i feel whole
this broken body
a replica of my own soul
burdensome
oh this heavy weight
lifted by the belief
that what will be will be
and what is
just is.
my broken dreams
perhaps are just forgotten
and the passion that i wait for
merely buried
deep within
the labrynith of my own
guilty consience
detached
wanting to connect
to this harsh and beautiful world
i raise my hands
cry
with the pure relief
of one who sees
unblinded i have become
blessed
assured
that the end
is merely a beginning
and the sorrow
i've endured
simply a stepping stone
to what lies ahead.
broken dreams
where does the strength come from
to rise
and face this day
this overwhelming day
where the sun shines
yet does not warm
where smiles abound
yet none reach me
blessed
cursed
i am neither.
beyond the forgotten
yet near enough
to be remembered
your eyes peer
yet do not penetrate
your ears hear
yet do not listen
i stare
beyond what is now
when shall i feel whole
this broken body
a replica of my own soul
burdensome
oh this heavy weight
lifted by the belief
that what will be will be
and what is
just is.
my broken dreams
perhaps are just forgotten
and the passion that i wait for
merely buried
deep within
the labrynith of my own
guilty consience
detached
wanting to connect
to this harsh and beautiful world
i raise my hands
cry
with the pure relief
of one who sees
unblinded i have become
blessed
assured
that the end
is merely a beginning
and the sorrow
i've endured
simply a stepping stone
to what lies ahead.
sometimes i wonder if i should be as frank and honest as i always am in my writing. if i should peel off the layers one by one...letting the fragrance of my petals that slowly fall down drift to you, allowing you to see what has grown from the seeds planted so long ago.
when one is hesitant it is usually from some type of fear. whether it be healthy fear or pure nonsense only you can tell. so i've decided that my hesitancy is pure nonsense. read what you like, comment on whatever you want, and perhaps this journey of mine, where i trip and fall endlessly on my yellow brick road, will entice you to move forward, to dream...to let go when necessary, cry when needed and laugh always.
thanks to each of you, dear friends. you have made my life so much more the better and prodded along my heart and will to keep living each day as it may come.
besos y abrazos...
me
when one is hesitant it is usually from some type of fear. whether it be healthy fear or pure nonsense only you can tell. so i've decided that my hesitancy is pure nonsense. read what you like, comment on whatever you want, and perhaps this journey of mine, where i trip and fall endlessly on my yellow brick road, will entice you to move forward, to dream...to let go when necessary, cry when needed and laugh always.
thanks to each of you, dear friends. you have made my life so much more the better and prodded along my heart and will to keep living each day as it may come.
besos y abrazos...
me
4.10.05
YEA!!
Hi again,
i had to write tonight before it gets any later to let everyone know that today was a complete, divine, success!!!! judge davis made a bench decision in my favor in everything. i get all my past medical bills from the accident paid off (which was almost a million that has been hanging over my head) and i get ongoing aid also, which means i get my operation on my foot/leg taken care of much faster than hoped for AND i get to go to therapy again. it was an amazing appointent. very very emotionally draining, but so obviously God-appointed. the judge was incredible, so honoring towards me and nice and gentle and didn't mind that i was bawling my eyes out. and when we left the room the court clerk was out in the hall and was crying also (i think everyone cried that was in there) and stopped me and said congratulations and wanted me to know that he knew jocelyn!!! i was floored but of course something like that happened. he said that he and his bible study had prayed for me when i was in the hospital that i wouldn't lose my leg (or life). i had to give him a hug.
so anyway i want to send this soeveryone knows. your calls and letters blessed me sooo much and really helped me get through all the re-telling of everything. like my dad said to me today, i can finally lay it to rest. so apt.
love you all and hope this encourages you tonight,
Rae
i had to write tonight before it gets any later to let everyone know that today was a complete, divine, success!!!! judge davis made a bench decision in my favor in everything. i get all my past medical bills from the accident paid off (which was almost a million that has been hanging over my head) and i get ongoing aid also, which means i get my operation on my foot/leg taken care of much faster than hoped for AND i get to go to therapy again. it was an amazing appointent. very very emotionally draining, but so obviously God-appointed. the judge was incredible, so honoring towards me and nice and gentle and didn't mind that i was bawling my eyes out. and when we left the room the court clerk was out in the hall and was crying also (i think everyone cried that was in there) and stopped me and said congratulations and wanted me to know that he knew jocelyn!!! i was floored but of course something like that happened. he said that he and his bible study had prayed for me when i was in the hospital that i wouldn't lose my leg (or life). i had to give him a hug.
so anyway i want to send this soeveryone knows. your calls and letters blessed me sooo much and really helped me get through all the re-telling of everything. like my dad said to me today, i can finally lay it to rest. so apt.
love you all and hope this encourages you tonight,
Rae
3.10.05
The Arrival of The Day
10-3-05
Hello everyone...
I've been meaning to write this past week but because of one thing or the other haven't been able to. i know a lot of you have asked about my court date for medicaid....well, the day has finally arrived. today at 2:30 i go before the judge and present my case. my lawyer said that the judge can either make a 'bench decision', where he reaches a verdict before i even leave, or, he can make a decision in my favor but only for partial medicaid (as in he grants me medicaid but only retropsective aid, which wll still pay those humongous bills but not give me any ongoig aid). i am horrible at explaining legal matters, but i guess the most important thing i am praying for is that 1) he does no deny me, 2)he gives me ONGOING benefits so that i can still get therapy, etc. and 3)that he rules for the combination of both medicare and medicaid.
when mom and i met with the lawyer on wednesday she said that i have a 'perfect' case in her opinion. that my kind of case is the kind that judges like to award benefits to because it is not through my own irresponsible actions that i am where i am at (ie, i am not a druggie without a job trying to get help for sicknesses that i have because of my own decisions).she said that myjudge (his name is Lamar Davis) is a very kind man and that i am lucky to have him be my judge. It does not surprise me though that God has set it up like this, especially since the happenings of today have been bathed in prayer for over two years now. please pray though that God will give me great favor, that we will have every piece of evidence and statements needed, that since my case is the last case of the day that he will not be weary of listening. my lawyer's name is Alexis and she was an ER nurse for 14 years. therefore she knows, really understands, what all my medical records mean and the implications of such an accident. i am so thankful for her and her expertise.... my most pressing prayer request is for me emotionally though. alexis said that what will happen is that she will present my case by explaining everything in my records,from sept.13th 2003 up until now. mom will be able to be at the hearing but only as support to me, her two-cents worth is not allowed.but thank the Lord i get to have her there to hold my hand. after alexis is finished then Judge Davis will proceed to ask me questions and it will be my turn to tell my story. alexis said that i will need re-live everything in detail. everything! i can't even imagine. i don't think i have re-told or even THOUGHT of everything in chronological order, going step by step through everything ever. that means the day of the accident,the accident itself,my hospital stay,my recovery...everything physical, emotional, and mental up until today....i am overwhelmed just writing about it. when she told me that i would have to talk about everything i started crying because i know that i usually avoid having those types of conversations even though facts such as those seem to always be in the back of my mind. i also am praying that the most painful of memories that i have blocked out of my head will return if it is helpful for my case. (just not the accident itself because there is no way i want my last memories of jocelyn to be that). it is not even time yet and i already am feeling close to throwing up or breaking down. i dont even know how to put into words what this is to me. no one has ever heard everything in it's entirety. not even my sweet family. and maybe my accident from last week has something to do with everything because when it happened i had a horrible flash back and since then haven't been able to get it out of my head. i don't know. i just ask for your prayers. this is SUCH a huge, huge deal. the outcome will effect the rest of my life.
so thanks for the support, love and prayers. for the friendships that you have each blessed me with and for walking with me through this long season of my life. you are the ones that helped me walk again:) i am a blessed woman....
love,
rachel
ps for those of you who are going to call me, the appointment is supposedly going to last 3 hours so i am just going to leave my cell in my car and afterwards or tomorrow i will call you back and also write another email letting everyone know. again, thank you!!
Hello everyone...
I've been meaning to write this past week but because of one thing or the other haven't been able to. i know a lot of you have asked about my court date for medicaid....well, the day has finally arrived. today at 2:30 i go before the judge and present my case. my lawyer said that the judge can either make a 'bench decision', where he reaches a verdict before i even leave, or, he can make a decision in my favor but only for partial medicaid (as in he grants me medicaid but only retropsective aid, which wll still pay those humongous bills but not give me any ongoig aid). i am horrible at explaining legal matters, but i guess the most important thing i am praying for is that 1) he does no deny me, 2)he gives me ONGOING benefits so that i can still get therapy, etc. and 3)that he rules for the combination of both medicare and medicaid.
when mom and i met with the lawyer on wednesday she said that i have a 'perfect' case in her opinion. that my kind of case is the kind that judges like to award benefits to because it is not through my own irresponsible actions that i am where i am at (ie, i am not a druggie without a job trying to get help for sicknesses that i have because of my own decisions).she said that myjudge (his name is Lamar Davis) is a very kind man and that i am lucky to have him be my judge. It does not surprise me though that God has set it up like this, especially since the happenings of today have been bathed in prayer for over two years now. please pray though that God will give me great favor, that we will have every piece of evidence and statements needed, that since my case is the last case of the day that he will not be weary of listening. my lawyer's name is Alexis and she was an ER nurse for 14 years. therefore she knows, really understands, what all my medical records mean and the implications of such an accident. i am so thankful for her and her expertise.... my most pressing prayer request is for me emotionally though. alexis said that what will happen is that she will present my case by explaining everything in my records,from sept.13th 2003 up until now. mom will be able to be at the hearing but only as support to me, her two-cents worth is not allowed.but thank the Lord i get to have her there to hold my hand. after alexis is finished then Judge Davis will proceed to ask me questions and it will be my turn to tell my story. alexis said that i will need re-live everything in detail. everything! i can't even imagine. i don't think i have re-told or even THOUGHT of everything in chronological order, going step by step through everything ever. that means the day of the accident,the accident itself,my hospital stay,my recovery...everything physical, emotional, and mental up until today....i am overwhelmed just writing about it. when she told me that i would have to talk about everything i started crying because i know that i usually avoid having those types of conversations even though facts such as those seem to always be in the back of my mind. i also am praying that the most painful of memories that i have blocked out of my head will return if it is helpful for my case. (just not the accident itself because there is no way i want my last memories of jocelyn to be that). it is not even time yet and i already am feeling close to throwing up or breaking down. i dont even know how to put into words what this is to me. no one has ever heard everything in it's entirety. not even my sweet family. and maybe my accident from last week has something to do with everything because when it happened i had a horrible flash back and since then haven't been able to get it out of my head. i don't know. i just ask for your prayers. this is SUCH a huge, huge deal. the outcome will effect the rest of my life.
so thanks for the support, love and prayers. for the friendships that you have each blessed me with and for walking with me through this long season of my life. you are the ones that helped me walk again:) i am a blessed woman....
love,
rachel
ps for those of you who are going to call me, the appointment is supposedly going to last 3 hours so i am just going to leave my cell in my car and afterwards or tomorrow i will call you back and also write another email letting everyone know. again, thank you!!
16.3.05
POETRY
CONTRADICTORY
you saw me
yet you turned away
you heard me
but you blocked your ears from truly hearing
you desired something good
but you chased away what was offered
you deny yourself
you deny me
you play pretend
and act as if this is what you want
you convince yourself
of some sort of stability
and in a trust
that does not exist
remembering what once was
you live out a precocious dream
that is now vacant
and cannot be
you chose your path
to walk in it is a must
to grasp what has been lost
futility.
you saw me
yet you turned away
you heard me
but you blocked your ears from truly hearing
you desired something good
but you chased away what was offered
you deny yourself
you deny me
you play pretend
and act as if this is what you want
you convince yourself
of some sort of stability
and in a trust
that does not exist
remembering what once was
you live out a precocious dream
that is now vacant
and cannot be
you chose your path
to walk in it is a must
to grasp what has been lost
futility.
KISS UPON MY NECK
i felt the strongest feeling today
as i layed still beside you.
your breathing became steady
as you contentedly locked your arms around me
your whispers that trailed off into sighs
were sweet
and the kiss youplaced on the back of my neck ~
tender.
but my feelings were not ones of tranquility
nor could my eyes close peacefully.
i layed there ~
choking back questions
i wish i had no right to ask
wondering at the ache inside me,
wishing the hurt could be ignored.
your apology was accepted
your explanation listened to...
yet my understanding remains vague,
my ''why'' echoes
and my unshed tears
silently remind me
of your unsought words
and selfish actions.
my question resounded in my head ~
how do you hurt what you love?
disregard what you esteem?
knowingly trod upon feelings dear?
yes, i lay here wondering,
while you sleep blissfully,
with your arms locked around me.
FOOLED
hopes crashing
dreams deceiving
aspirations set too high
perfect world
oh where did you go?
castles in the air
why do you crumble?
i try and i try
too good to be bad
too bad to be good
hidden
or just not seen?
SIN NOMBRE
through the unsteady days
i seem carefree
at ease
but there is numbing pain
deep deterioration
a broken me
is found
soft comfort calls
my plight
must end.
2.3.05
my night-time thought
not really knowing what to do about the parts of me that even i won't see. refuse to more like it. is it all or nothing? is it really depth and passion or mediocrity and artificial words? no gray. absolute. requiring all of me, you do not force,yet pull me to you with a compelling magnetism and mystery, and complete love, that i cannot resist. so take my hands off my eyes and help me see the smudges that are on my heart and be willing to have them scourged.
26.2.05
written 12-02-03
i realize that before i set limitations for myself out of fear. out of not believing enough that God's made me capable of achieving "insurmountable" dreams. when i start to dare to think that a dream is possible, Satan squashes my enthusiasm and optimism by attacking my self-esteem, my abilities, and therefore my vision and fire diminish, leaving me instead with a mediocre life. granted, one that God still uses, sine He is good. but one that could be oh so much more and one that could reach and bless so many more people.
well, not anymore. if God literally held me away from Death's grasp, and granted me wholeness, then whom am i to fear? of what limitations and temptations and trials am i afraid of? there is nothing. more pain will come. more frustrations. more wrenching losses. yet the Almighty stands with me. why tremble? why doubt? when the darkness of my own mind falls, i pray that the light of His truth will permeate it, and ultimately, vanquish it. thank Jesus for the sweet, firm words of that who love me, that help me not to sink. that is what God intended the Church for anyway. for that i am grateful.
well, not anymore. if God literally held me away from Death's grasp, and granted me wholeness, then whom am i to fear? of what limitations and temptations and trials am i afraid of? there is nothing. more pain will come. more frustrations. more wrenching losses. yet the Almighty stands with me. why tremble? why doubt? when the darkness of my own mind falls, i pray that the light of His truth will permeate it, and ultimately, vanquish it. thank Jesus for the sweet, firm words of that who love me, that help me not to sink. that is what God intended the Church for anyway. for that i am grateful.
test results
tests tests and more tests. waiting in chairs that make your back ache, watching soaps on the tv with people surrounding you all esperando for your name to be called. waiting to go in and talk to a few people in white coats, watch their eyebrows raise and them tell you again that you are a miracle as they read your chart. then comes the needles, the pain, the trying to remember to breathe part. going into the big white cylinder and trying not to move for two hrs. trying to be intrigued by the machines you are invariably going to be hooked up to, thinking that if you understand you might not be as afraid.
those were my last two weeks, though i was much encouraged rather than discouraged. the tests were a little bit hard, but i am so glad i got them done. i was told that my nerves are damaged, especially a big one that went along with my femoral artery. but they also said that they are healing themselves, slowly but surely. that there is no way to tel how long it will take, but that it looks promising. they said that i need to concentrate on stretching my tendons out and getting my lift for my leg right now. as for my arteries, they are healthy :) and i have great circulation. thank God!
so now i am concentrating on my right leg and foot, next week starting more intense therapy by going three times a week again instead of one. they think that by stretching my tendons my toes will straighten as my nerves heal. i'm trying to have faith in that, but i think i am in for another looooong road. i still don't know exactly what is going to happen with my other leg. i got the lift my shoes (one pair) and it helps my pain considerably. but i am really praying that somehow they will be able to fix my leg so that i do not have to deal with the discrepency my whole life. that is my mission for the next month, to work on my foot and to find out if anything can be done for my leg.
it has been decreed though that i am being too hard on my body, so, very reluctantly and sadly i put in my two-weeks notice at bennigan's today. the doc said that i am not giving my body enough time to heal properly, mainly the bones in my legs. so, it's back to the drawing board and prayer to see what to do next....hopefully i am ready for my next hurdle.
those were my last two weeks, though i was much encouraged rather than discouraged. the tests were a little bit hard, but i am so glad i got them done. i was told that my nerves are damaged, especially a big one that went along with my femoral artery. but they also said that they are healing themselves, slowly but surely. that there is no way to tel how long it will take, but that it looks promising. they said that i need to concentrate on stretching my tendons out and getting my lift for my leg right now. as for my arteries, they are healthy :) and i have great circulation. thank God!
so now i am concentrating on my right leg and foot, next week starting more intense therapy by going three times a week again instead of one. they think that by stretching my tendons my toes will straighten as my nerves heal. i'm trying to have faith in that, but i think i am in for another looooong road. i still don't know exactly what is going to happen with my other leg. i got the lift my shoes (one pair) and it helps my pain considerably. but i am really praying that somehow they will be able to fix my leg so that i do not have to deal with the discrepency my whole life. that is my mission for the next month, to work on my foot and to find out if anything can be done for my leg.
it has been decreed though that i am being too hard on my body, so, very reluctantly and sadly i put in my two-weeks notice at bennigan's today. the doc said that i am not giving my body enough time to heal properly, mainly the bones in my legs. so, it's back to the drawing board and prayer to see what to do next....hopefully i am ready for my next hurdle.
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