POETRY

CONTRADICTORY

you saw me
yet you turned away
you heard me
but you blocked your ears from truly hearing

you desired something good
but you chased away what was offered

you deny yourself
you deny me
you play pretend
and act as if this is what you want

you convince yourself
of some sort of stability
and in a trust
that does not exist

remembering what once was
you live out a precocious dream
that is now vacant
and cannot be

you chose your path
to walk in it is a must
to grasp what has been lost

futility.

KISS UPON MY NECK

i felt the strongest feeling today

as i layed still beside you.

your breathing became steady

as you contentedly locked your arms around me

your whispers that trailed off into sighs

were sweet

and the kiss youplaced on the back of my neck ~

tender.

but my feelings were not ones of tranquility

nor could my eyes close peacefully.

i layed there ~

choking back questions

i wish i had no right to ask

wondering at the ache inside me,

wishing the hurt could be ignored.

your apology was accepted

your explanation listened to...

yet my understanding remains vague,

my ''why'' echoes

and my unshed tears

silently remind me

of your unsought words

and selfish actions.

my question resounded in my head ~

how do you hurt what you love?

disregard what you esteem?

knowingly trod upon feelings dear?

yes, i lay here wondering,

while you sleep blissfully,

with your arms locked around me.

FOOLED

hopes crashing

dreams deceiving

aspirations set too high

perfect world

oh where did you go?

castles in the air

why do you crumble?

i try and i try

too good to be bad

too bad to be good

hidden

or just not seen?

SIN NOMBRE

through the unsteady days

i seem carefree

at ease

but there is numbing pain

deep deterioration

a broken me

is found

soft comfort calls

my plight

must end.

my night-time thought

not really knowing what to do about the parts of me that even i won't see. refuse to more like it. is it all or nothing? is it really depth and passion or mediocrity and artificial words? no gray. absolute. requiring all of me, you do not force,yet pull me to you with a compelling magnetism and mystery, and complete love, that i cannot resist. so take my hands off my eyes and help me see the smudges that are on my heart and be willing to have them scourged.

siempre

written 12-02-03

i realize that before i set limitations for myself out of fear. out of not believing enough that God's made me capable of achieving "insurmountable" dreams. when i start to dare to think that a dream is possible, Satan squashes my enthusiasm and optimism by attacking my self-esteem, my abilities, and therefore my vision and fire diminish, leaving me instead with a mediocre life. granted, one that God still uses, sine He is good. but one that could be oh so much more and one that could reach and bless so many more people.
well, not anymore. if God literally held me away from Death's grasp, and granted me wholeness, then whom am i to fear? of what limitations and temptations and trials am i afraid of? there is nothing. more pain will come. more frustrations. more wrenching losses. yet the Almighty stands with me. why tremble? why doubt? when the darkness of my own mind falls, i pray that the light of His truth will permeate it, and ultimately, vanquish it. thank Jesus for the sweet, firm words of that who love me, that help me not to sink. that is what God intended the Church for anyway. for that i am grateful.

test results

tests tests and more tests. waiting in chairs that make your back ache, watching soaps on the tv with people surrounding you all esperando for your name to be called. waiting to go in and talk to a few people in white coats, watch their eyebrows raise and them tell you again that you are a miracle as they read your chart. then comes the needles, the pain, the trying to remember to breathe part. going into the big white cylinder and trying not to move for two hrs. trying to be intrigued by the machines you are invariably going to be hooked up to, thinking that if you understand you might not be as afraid.

those were my last two weeks, though i was much encouraged rather than discouraged. the tests were a little bit hard, but i am so glad i got them done. i was told that my nerves are damaged, especially a big one that went along with my femoral artery. but they also said that they are healing themselves, slowly but surely. that there is no way to tel how long it will take, but that it looks promising. they said that i need to concentrate on stretching my tendons out and getting my lift for my leg right now. as for my arteries, they are healthy :) and i have great circulation. thank God!

so now i am concentrating on my right leg and foot, next week starting more intense therapy by going three times a week again instead of one. they think that by stretching my tendons my toes will straighten as my nerves heal. i'm trying to have faith in that, but i think i am in for another looooong road. i still don't know exactly what is going to happen with my other leg. i got the lift my shoes (one pair) and it helps my pain considerably. but i am really praying that somehow they will be able to fix my leg so that i do not have to deal with the discrepency my whole life. that is my mission for the next month, to work on my foot and to find out if anything can be done for my leg.

it has been decreed though that i am being too hard on my body, so, very reluctantly and sadly i put in my two-weeks notice at bennigan's today. the doc said that i am not giving my body enough time to heal properly, mainly the bones in my legs. so, it's back to the drawing board and prayer to see what to do next....hopefully i am ready for my next hurdle.

tanto que quiero no puedo.

vers l'avant (forward...)

hello again to all -
since i actually have a few mintues at my computer i wanted to write a quick update on everything (don't worry, it won't be that long, and, the best thing about email is that you can stop reading whenever you want to:). i forgot to tell everyone the good news though...I'M WORKING AGAIN!!! i have been for a little over a month now. at least trying to as much as I can. I am working some short shifts at night back at my bennigan's, this time as a hostess and as a SW (silverware roller). definitly a much slower pace than before, but perfect for where i am at right now. my managers (friends) have been SO gracious towards me and so understanding of when i can't work because i hurt too bad or am over-doing it or something. i just am happy to be back and be around people and actually earning some money again. the other night there i popped something in my knee out though and my doc told me to go to the ER. that was friday so maybe soon i will go since i am walking pretty bad right now. i just don't really want to sit in that waiting room for ten hours. as for the other stuff, i did get my lift on my left shoe. it evens me out pretty good and if i wasn't such a vain person i think i'd like it. i also got an AFO brace for my right leg, which i think i told you about, that will help correct my walking and my drop-foot. but that thing hurts so dang bad to wear and it doesn't fit in my shoe right, so i might have to get that adjusted. the doctor that has been helping me with all my foot stuff is really great though and said that this is just a process of finding things that work for me. everything in life seems to be a process. tomorrow morning i go in for an EMG, which i have no clue as to what it is, just that it's some test for my nerves. then wednesday i go in for my results from vascular. will update then:). also, (i got off track earlier), i am working part-time in my dad's and uncle's business office, heloing with the administrative and accounting work. needless to say i love working there, getting to be around uncle kim and aunt sandra all the time has been wonderful, plus they're sweet and look after me but still put me to work;) AND, i just started my own mary kay business. i am not exactly sure as to what i am doing yet, and i never ever did think i would sell makeup. but for months now i have been praying for God to provide me with a way to make my own income and be able to contribute to the household stuff, while still being able to go to my therapy sessions and doctor appointments. He has been answering this prayer and i believe that mary kay may be another part to my puzzle. please pray for blessings and lots of business. but also that i will remember that God is not a God of urgency and to pace myself.

i think mama is calling me, so love to you all and my prayers are with you....

you're much appreciated,

Rachel

my world crumbles

my world
i thought conquered
but now i am hurled
into a sadness
unknown

broken once again

aware this torture shows
i speak with my tears
desiring
for this knowing
to disappear

never allowed
to forget my fears
nor see sacred beauty
unmarred

my world crumbles.

i'm back!!!

so we had hannah's 15th bday party. it was such a blast!! and i was SO happy because i not only wore a dress, found shoes that fit...but i DANCED my booty off:) it was the best ever. i can't even explain how happy it makes me to be able to dance again. i payed for it later, but it was worth it and then some.

so, i have my dance card back, and it's never full....;)

my new quote:)

To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult, our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.--Anna Louise Strona

here it is...

Hello Everyone,well, it took me a little longer than i thought to get this thing up. maybe i can blame it on lack of sleep:-P i tried updating the image, but, whatever, letters are letters right?i'm trying to wrap my mind around the thought of writing all my deep, inspirational (haha) thoughts down, but that just doesn't seem to be happening. i think for tonight i'll keep it simple and just tell a little of what i have been doing. i think everytime that i tell someone what is going on with me, the first thing i think of is my recovery journey. perhaps that is because that has been my all,encomapassing mission for the last year and something. i would like to say i am nearing the end, but i know that would be stretching it. instead i just want to let everyone know that i haven't ever been happier or more at peace. i seem to think in terms of 'before' and 'after' since it seems i have been given two different lifetimes in which to live, and this latest one with hopefully much more maturity and anointed SIGHT than i had before. i've learned two things (at least that i can think of this moment). one is that life seriously hurts and i despise it at times, and the other is that life seriously hurts, but makes so much more vivid the beautiful and i can't help but loving it and embracing it once again. right now i am still in therapy and each time i go i come out bouncing (inside at least) because God has truly blessed me with people that have taken it on as their mission to see me better my state and make stronger my physical body. i had previously been so frusterated with the medical system, but now just stand in awe that there are so many with such incredible hearts that work with so many with so little resources. God has given me favor everywhere He sends me and has been orchestrating the meetings and tests and each person i talk to. right now i am in the process of getting vascular and neuro testing done on my right leg (the one that the artery was severed in) because i still have been having such a hard time with my foot and circulation and feeling and pain, etc.etc. without going into the whole story, they are pretty sure i have what is called volkmann's inschemia, which is like the rare after-math of compartment syndrome, which i had when they pumped me with fluids and i swelled up like a whale. it is (or they think) the reason for my toes curling. so we will see what happens with all that. the other thing is that my PT measured my legs and it turns out that my left leg healed a whole inch shorter than the other one. hence the weird walking and pain. i am getting fitted for a lift to even me out and then also for a brace for my other leg to help correct some stuff,like drop foot, and then i don't know yet if there is anything to do for the long term. someone said they'd have to break my leg again. but no thank you. at least not yet. i have to go and get sarah some food....will keep writing later.hugs to everyone,rachel Current Mood: groggyCurrent Music: orishas (cuban)

the wonders...

las cosas q pasen

forever i am reminded of the tenacity of those who are continually brought down by life. of those who are hit over and over again by storms so strong they intimidate even hope. why must this world be so hard? why must our minds be buffeted so that we are worn down, confused and crying?

tonight

so goes another day. and another day does my heart break. constantly i feel a tug of constant conviction, of restelessness to do something to change this mad world i live in. will i one day have to die for my beliefs? will one day i be able to proclaim the truth, and, in some way, see justice come about? will my tears and my questions produce life-altering effects, those which i cannot yet see?
i can only hope. pray. and believe.

quote

"It is better to die on one's feet than to live on one's knees." ~Braveheart~

oops

well, i am supposed to be planning and organizing for my week but instead i find myself glued to my computer, reading blogs and trying to create one of my own. any suggestions would be fgreat:) although i doubt anyone but me will read this for awhile yet.
ok, i am going to go be responsible now and then come back and add some poetry to this thing.
besos!

"For He has made an everlasting covenant with me, Ordered in all things, and secured; for all my salvation and all my desire, Will He not indeed make it grow?" II Samuel 23:5

I am at such a place where I cannot escape. Nor do I want to.

4:37 PM
must i forever behave accordingly to that which is around me? must i conform? must i mold myself to the liking of the eyes that do not really see? to the souls that have never thrived, never flourished with the yearnings for something more? must i suppress my longings? must i be mute lest they silence me themselves? i must forbid myself to hide from the scorn, to run from the hurt. rather, i must embrace it, and so, let it change me as i proclaim my stand. i shall not wither.

restless

times like these....i am so restless...exhausted with no knowledge of why. so very restless. reading gives me some reprieve, at least it captures my thoughts for a moment. but i feel so sad. no estoy contenta adonde estoy en mi vida en este momento y no se porque. i so want to escape. only i don't quite know to where. leaving will not change my heart, will not soothe my soul. i fill my days with doing because when i am alone and quite my soul is not. it is more likely tortured by thoughts, by beratements to myself of what i should be doing, what i am doing wrong and what i should change. someone once told me that insecruties are when you can not look at yourself and be happy with what you see. when you don't like who you are.
the end for today. i'm going to escape into a movie for now. continue these ponderings later.

san juan del sur in nicaragua

me 2004