better late than never...

4 October 2009

I have found it hard to write these last couple of days even though I have wonderful news! Wednesday when I went to Dr. Chang’s office after xrays and measurements he came to talk to us (Mom and I as always,thanks Mom!!) of the next step. I had been hoping and praying that he would set the date to get the spatial frame off and was going even so far as to hope he would do it sooner than planned. He came in all smiles and wanted to know what we thought. We had of course already sneaked a peak at the xrays and seen that the gap in my femur had definitely stretched some more…so much more in fact that I AM DONE!!!!! Just hearing that as a definite made my day=) So Dr. Chang sat on a stool in front of, stretching my legs to see if they matched and said “so what’s the next step?” Jarod, the guy in charge of providing the hardware for the brace and making sure it was put on and is taken off correctly was there also there and they started discussing the steps. They started saying how the plan was to keep it on for 2-4 weeks after the gap was big enough but since I had had it on for so long, and seeing that the bone was “somehow already filling in” ;)…I interrupted and asked if he could take it off next week half expecting some rolling of the eyes. He looked at me for a sec then shrugged his shoulders and said “ok”. OK!!! Mom thankfully shares in my every emotion through this time and so was just as ecstatic as I was…so….I GET IT OFF!!!!!! the date is set for Thursday, the 8th.

I don’t really know how to convey my utter happiness and my blatant frustration that there is still 4 days between me and freedom!! Thanks to each of you who have come along beside me and cheered me on...listened to my complaints, offered a hug for my tears, held my hand when I was scared…these last few months have been filled with a myriad of emotions and when I let myself think about the immensity of everything I get overwhelmed. Thank you Dani for my doughnuts after every operation…, thank you for laying down your life these months...thanks Mom for being my every-day strength and my constant Pusher…gracias Marcos para tus visitas y por siempre ayudarme salir adelante...and oh BEAUTIFUL family of mine!! There is not enough I can say about your stamina and grace and encouragement and patience, your love…I just simply would not be here at all, especially not doing this well and being this happy without you all. There are too many people, so many wonderful friends who have been kind and funny and long-suffering and attentive.

I know this sounds sappy like a book dedication or something but to me this marks the beginning of the Tomorrow I have so long waited for. I finally get to walk to the next page. Dance to it actually. =)

Today everything hit me at once. I’m still in a lot of pain and being THIS CLOSE makes it a bit harder to take. Tonight friends went salsa dancing and I was so having a pity party and sad that I couldn’t be there with them and that is the kind of moment where I have to step back. Behold all that is. I keep reminding myself that I still have months of intense therapy ahead of me to be able to walk normal and be able to have an “average” day. Be able to do everything that I want to do. My goal once again is to dance by December when I get to go home and see my sisters=) On one hand I see all that is before me and am so HOPEFUL, then my mind sees the cost of it all...sweat and emotions, perseverance and pain...sleepless nights ... I'm held in check. I don’t want to let my dreams run away with me and me expect too much too soon. I can almost TASTE the sweetness. I feel a little silly because of my emotion. I want to embrace life so much more than I already have! I will have so much less pain in my body and will get to be active in life again, more fully than I have been, you know? . I know so, so many of you understand what that means. I pray for the same kind of relief for you (especially you Sarah, I love you!!). I pray with my whole heart that this really is a new beginning and that even though I will still have remnants of the accident to deal with, perhaps it will no longer take center stage. There is so much more waiting, I can feel it!

God is just SO good!!! There are too many blessings to be counted…so many hopes…my heart is FULL!!

I am reading a book by John Eldredge so I wanted to leave you a quote from him. It says better than I can what I am feeling right now:

“Something in us longs, hopes, maybe even at times believes that this is not the way things were supposed to be. Our desire fights the assault of death upon life...At some deep level, we refuse to accept the fact that this is the way things are, or must be, or always will be…Even though we sleep, our desire does not…His [a person’s] miseries are his ally, they urge him on...We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. [What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? Matt. 16:26] To desire something and not to have it - is this not the source of nearly all our pain and sorrow?...Desire is the source of our most noble aspirations and our deepest sorrows. The pleasure and the pain go together; indeed, they emanate from the same region in our hearts. We cannot live without the yearning, and yet the yearning sets us up for disappointment-sometimes deep and devastating disappointment...Do we reach for nothing in life because our reaching opens us up to tragedy? Because of its vulnerable nature, desire begins to feel like our worst enemy…We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don’t know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. Still, something in me knows that to kill desire is to kill my heart altogether. Do we form no friendships because our friends might be taken from us? Do we refuse to love because we may be hurt? Do we forsake our dreams because hope has been deferred? To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain, to shut down our hearts is to die altogether.”

it has dissolved.

can’t i just

turn away

resist this wrenching

this collapsing

of my

resolution

of my

detachment

of you

my façade is my calm

my entity a myriad of

contradictions

of verifications

of the fallacy

of what

was thought

truth

naked authenticity

a faith

in something whole

it has dissolved.

and i have my heart here

in fragments

exposed

disposed

not for others to see

and believe me broken

nor for you to see

and convince me of a healing

beyond the bounds

of my sanity

love oh so benevolent

to entice and secure

the yearning for consistency

i had yet to procure

was it audacity

was it hope

was it you

was it me

looking for the us

that never was to be

love is gentle

love is kind

ours a twisted replica

that chose to bind

love her

comfort her

honor her

keep her

love him

comfort him

honor him

keep him

speak now or forever hold your peace

peace

deep sweet

an urgency

to fulfill

my longing

a pressing need

to belatedly

release

surrender

assumptions

expectations

know

that there is restoration

reformation

a kind absolution

to this brokenness

that is mine

weary

of this conflict

drained of all resolve

bombarded
by ambiguity

stripped bare

needing to be absolved

can’t i be

what you need

your pillar

your retreat

don’t you see

you far exceed

what you thought

you had to be

to keep me

honor me

comfort me

love me

such a maze

just a haze

where did it go

this love

it has dissolved.

sunshine in my corners

there's just this nowhere
that is somewhere
where i want to be with you

there is this nothing
that is something
that i want to be with you

hold on baby
just let go
no holding on
just grasp my hand

sunshine in my corners
that's what your smile is
spreading, all-invading
i like it this way

there's just this nowhere
that is somewhere
where i want to be with you

there is this nothing
that is something
that i want to be with you

hold your breath
don't peak
open your eyes wide
just breathe

forget back then
take a chance
forget tomorrow
let's just dance

there's just this nowhere
that is somewhere
where i want to be with you

there is this nothing
that is something
that i want to be with you

that i want to be with you.

just be with you.

exist.

i wish i existed

like i existed before you
not because i needed to
but because i wanted to

i wish i could see
see beyond you
not because i wanted to
but because i had to

deep
deep in my soul
under my skin
can't get you out
move forward
can't look back

stagnation is present
ripples in my water
a rare occurrence
run run
i need to be undone

so present
a breath
a whisper in my head
brings you back
back to me

i need to exist
exist before you
not because i needed to
but because i wanted to

happy bday joce!!

so today is jocelyn's bday. she'd be freaking out because she'd be 25!! i was getting all depressed and sad on my way home and when i got in the car and turned on the radio her spanish 'happy' song was on (windy you know which one:). it was strange because i haven't heard that song in forever and it "happened" to be playing...so i decided to smile and be ok...because she's happy. and i will get to see her again someday. and she's not hurting. she's eternally joce...everything good stayed with her and everything bad just melted away. it would be so awesome to talk to her though. i wish i could just have a day to hang with her. in our apartment with windy. eating her brownies while they play mario cart. watching her hip-hop videos and then putting 'raining on sunday' on repeat. being stupid and laughing our heads off together. talking and crying about whatever boy was giving us trouble at the moment and eating cookie dough ice cream to make it all better. she was awesome. it's so amazing how one person can be so much to you...have such a huge part in your life because they are so unique and special. there really is no one that can come close to being who she was. she loved with no limits. was bitchy one minute and hugging you the next because she couldn't stand conflict. she was horrible at ever saving her tip money because she invited everyone to everything and never put herself first. she loved my family, her family, as much as i do...she made everyone around feel as special as they truly were. her faults were the kind that you could overlook because her heart was always in the right place and she always wanted you to be happy. she taught me to trust, and then again, how not to trust. she always put herself so much out there that she got hurt a lot. but i think she liked it that way, because then she never wondered 'what could have been'. because everything just was. and everything just is. i think that's what she would tell me today. that today is ok because it just is. things are good and life is still worth living with abandon. not because you might die tomorrow, but because you are alive today. it's worth wearing your heart on your sleave...giving and giving until you are spent but drenched with the happiness of emptying yourself...

everything that will be will be and everything that is...just is.

happy bday my joce...i love you!!!!!! miss you like crazy...DOUBLE TROUBLE BABY!!!!! jajajajaja.... CBD!!!!!! FOREVER!!!!!

let it be. (dedicado a mi amiga linda, ya sabes quien sos...muah!)

so let go
just let go

look back
fondly
on those times
so sweet

smile
at the road ahead
and think of me

raise your eyes
to the sky so blue
take a deep breath
act like it's ok , this
goodbye

don't forget me
i won't forget you
embrace the day
just let it be

we thought our moment was forever
forgetting
to watch the change
of the us that ebbed and flowed
forgetting
to remember
that nothing stays the same

now my hand is empty
the feel of your skin gone
your eyes
they sadly haunt me

but baby
i must go on.

be.

my eyes
so fixed upon you
oblivious
to the mire around

held up
embraced
my soul waits
to soar to new heights
clinging
forever holding on
to you

i ache
and i cry
i bury this burning
i cover
what is bleeding

i cannot be
be without you

i cannont see
see without you

i resist the plunging
i deny the falling

i close my eyes
wind rushing
rushing by

please let me be
be without you

please help me see
see without you

-by rlm-

my new song....

DROPLETS by Colbie Callait

I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if that's what I should do
It hurts so bad
I'm wanting you but cant go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don't need it

Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and i'm just waiting for
The droplets, droplets

You left a mark
I wear it proudly on my chest
Above my heart Above my heart
To Remind me that I feel the best
When I'm with you When I'm with you
To me everything is effortless
You know its true
My eyes are painted with regret and I don't need it

Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting to fall and sink into your tears

You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me
You left a mark (you left a mark)
She left a mark (he left)
She left (he left)
And I don't (I dont)
Need it. (Need it)

in my room

so i'm in bed, wanting to get tired and drift off to sleep...problem is i've been sleeping for two days straight...literally. my stupid leg is acting up and my body is screaming at me to slow down and keep resting so it can recuperate. my poor mom is helping me keep in mind that if i don't stop overdoing it i will never get better like i want to. but now i'm in one of those ''slumps'' and not knowing what to do. smashing pumpkins is about the right mood for me right now.

we did have oxygen tonight and heard about mom's and peter's trip to nica. made me want to fly there tomorrow and never come back. there was a song we sung about being in the shadow of His wings and that line was so comforting to me because I know that i really am safe in Him. that with all my thoughts that i can't seem to capture, with all my doubts and fears about my future, it's still ok.



going to turn it off now....

sweet dreams!

still writing...

so i was going to go to bed but for some reason i am all wound up. so i am going to write more and if you would rather not read my ramblings then i understand.

i don't even know what i am going to write about. surely nothing brilliant, for brilliance seems to come to me in those rare moments that are between beauty and pain. and right now i feel more in the midst of a melancholy mediocrity. i don't even feel like reaching for anything more. tonight i am just sitting. and being. not contemplating any of life's great secrets. merely (interrupted...)


hahaha, merely...now sweet adri woke up and is looking for her vaga mommy so i'm going to go tell her a story...

shattered

mirror mirror on the wall

who shattered you
who shattered me

the pieces fall where they may
and i stay

stay and look away
ceasing to feel
ceasing to cry
i dry my eyes
close my mouth
i desist

mirror mirror on the wall

who looks into you
who looks into me

me
myself
and i

hauntingly sad
forever broken
my melody
cannot be heard

mirror mirror on the wall

bits of you
bits of me

glued together
cracked
forever a broken image
of what once was

a constant reminder
of what could have been

mirror mirror on the wall

who sees you
who sees me

no one

for i hide
afraid
of consequences
unseen
of words
unsought
of despise
undeserved

mirror mirror on the wall

who shattered you
who shattered me

the pieces fall where they may
and i stay

operation rachel....an update

Hello Everyone!!

This letter has been a long time coming and I'm so sorry I have not written before...I don't really have a good excuse :S

On October 4th I went in for my, I think, 20th operation...I am losing count...This is the operation I was supposed to have done in August but it got postponed because of other complications. The plan was to do three things...1) open up my fasciotomy site on my calf (for those of you who know medical terms, how do you spell that??)...they wanted to cut out the scar tissue and release the tendons so that I would have more range of motion in my foot and leg. 2) cut the middle bone out of my pinky toe because it was still majorly contracted and bent....and 3) do a sort of z-plasty procedure on my achilles tendon where they would make small incisions to lengthen it because it has already atrophied and is shortened now.

So (for the first time!), my operation was done on time, at 7:30am. Dr. Chang, the WONDERFUL surgeon who has done all my operations since I came back to San Antonio was not able to be there and so a team of three others, including the chief of plastic surgery, operated on me. They completed tasks 1 and 2 but for some reason did not lengthen my achilles tendon. But...(and i am SO excited!!) since they had to cut open my leg again, where there was a huge ugly scar, he folded the muscles over and closed it up and so now it looks normal except a long thin scar down the side (i attached pictures but i don't think it looks as amazing as it is to me...). I never thought that I was going to be able to get it redone because that falls under plastic surgery and medicaid doesn't cover it. But since they had to go in anyways and my surgeon ''happened'' to be a plastic surgeon, he was able to close it up beautifully. And I am ECSTATIC!! That was always the one scar I really always couldn't stand and God blessed me so much by providing for it to get fixed:) The story behind how this came about is just another irony...one day I was in Dr. Chang's office waiting for him, and the resident came in to do all the questions and paperwork beforehand. He was glancing over my records and since Dr. Chang had told him a bit about my story he started asking questions. To make a long story short, it turns out that he used to make rounds with the orthopedic surgeons at Memorial Hermann the exact same time that I was in houston!! So he said he vaguely remembered me but I couldn't remember the names of all the Attendings so we got stuck there...He did know the world-famous doctor though who had done my fasciotomy and he said he was known for doing an incredible job on them. So he started looking at mine and said that in his opinion there was enough muscle left over to be able to close it all the way up. So when Dr. Chang did come in the room he mentioned it to him and that is how it all got started:) God works in very mysterious ways...

Back to the present...I am going Wednesday to see Dr. Chang and see what to do about the achilles tendon now and actually unwrap my foot and see how my tiny toe is and hopefully take out the stitches from my leg.

So, that is my big news. I was going to write beforehand like I always do but I wasn't around internet the week before so I wasn't able to.

and, as many of you know, my mom and peter are down in Nicaragua right now...Mom is getting her teeth fixed and of course making the rounds of the people, doctors, mi familia staff, etc...while also carrying out hurricane relief. she is due back thursday night (as of today;) and i know will have many stories to write about. thanks to all who have supported her in this and for all the prayers. she said the damage is just devastating right now and on top of the hurricane it is still rainy season there with no end in sight and all the crops are getting ruined and houses are being flooded, etc. there is so much to be done. i know that when she gets back we will continue in our efforts to raise support and help as we will all be going down there in december.

I do have another prayer request for myself, for those who have asked. I don't know if you will remember, but due to the breaks in my femurs, my left one healed a lot shorter (3 1/2 cm). This length discrepancy is quite a bit when compared to the average...I thought I was going to be stuck like this for life because anytime I asked ANY of my doctors about the chance of getting it fixed somehow the answer was always that there was no way. The thing about having a leg shorter is not as much the agony of not being able to wear flip flops or heals (haha) but that the pain affects me so much. I limp pretty badly without shoes and my spine is slowly curving because of it and it also has made it where my hip pops out a lot and my pelvis is tilted. In other words, a lot of other issues stem from the length discrepancy. I even have been asking for the past year if they could just cut 3 1/2 cm out of my other femur so I would be even. But that is the leg where my femoral artery got severed so they don't even want to operate and take the rod out. A few months ago Dr. Chang said that there was a chance of either shortening my right leg (which he later nixed) or lengthening my left. There are a few options to choose from and we are still exploring them, but the gist of it is that it will be a very lengthy and painful process (up to two years)...while I heal from this surgery we will decide what to do about my femur and probably start everything early next year. I am very, very happy that it is even an option and though it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of such a long process, I know it will help me with my pain level for the rest of my life. So it's good:) but I do want prayer for wisdom, of which procedure to have done and when and also for the other areas of my life, because once again it will be centered around medical appointments, operations and therapy. I am really not knowing what to do about school and work, etc. It's a pretty big deal but I am excited for this next phase of getting all the way better and am trying not to be overwhelmed by the imensity of it all.

And one more thing before I lose you all in this book I've written...I wanted to say thanks again to each of you. Every time I get an operation everything comes flooding back...all the bad memories and nightmares and hospital smells and yucky medicines...but then in the midst of it all I am always reminded of the blessing of my family and friends. You are always the ones who never tire of praying for me, of encouraging me, of emailing and listening to me complaining. I always think that maybe the next operation will be harder because I always expect people to get tired of dealing with me! But then I am surprised (stupid me) of how exceptionally lovely everyone always is. Home-made chocolate chip cookies, flowers, text messages and cards and emails from far-away nicaragua...it helps so, so much. To know that I am not forgotten and am never in this alone...this is what gives me strength and helps me know that no matter how long this journey of recovery is, I can do it. With God's help and you, my forever faithful friends, I know that not only will my body be restored but also my heart and spirit. This time was a bit odd because my mom had to leave two days after my operation and I was freaking out a little, because who babies better than Mom?? And who talks to the doctors, who is my advocate...?? But I knew she was supposed to go so when we scheduled the operation I told her not to worry about it. Then I proceeded to worry more than her of course...but after she left I was so well taken care of and so loved on. (I did miss you though Mom don't worry!!). After the weekend of staying at home with my EVER patient and long-suffering and sweet family (Papa even had to carry me up and down the stairs) I came to my Aunt and Uncle's house and have been named princess because they spoil me rotten:) It has been probably the easiest recovery I have had yet, due also to the fact that they didn't cut my achilles tendon. I stopped taking my pain meds after a week because of my nightmares and hallucinations starting up, and God's grace has been incredible and I have not needed to take anymore except once:) but thank you for all the small gestures and thoughts...they do mean so much. One friend that was coming to see me called and asked if she could get me something and so I asked her for a shake...she didn't remember what flavor I wanted and so brought me all three with a huge boquet of flowers. Totally made my day. (thank you Yanett!!)...

I guess I will get going. I am glad that I have you all to write to and glad that you worry when I don't write...you're my angels that hold me up when I feel so weak....

Sending my love always,

Rachel

dirty jeans

grace falls
impurity seeps in
and i am caught

an entrapment
fed by selfishness
held together
by my humanness

my inability
to unblind myself
see
and not
wear my dark glasses

cut the cords that bind
dig into my skin
harsh
yet beloved

by me

picking at the thorns
that i myself grew
wondering where are the roses
that never bloomed

forever seeing
constantly forgetting

my own dear conspiracy
is played upon my soul

written by an unwilling hand
and guided by an incautious heart

grace has fallen
impurity seeps in

craziness in my brain
wars against
the solid reason
i choose to ignore

change sinks into the quicksand
of time
procrastination
breeds

falling
my knees are scraped
i wipe my hands
on my dirty jeans
shrug my shoulders

and wish

that this was not me.

daybreak

just a thought away
a feeling

not a touch
not a whisper

this aching
missing

not audible
but oh
such a blaring need

forgive me
for my mind
is wrapped in thoughts
moments

all of you

swept away
i drown
in these waves of longing
that carry me to the brink
of the shores of Insanity

dreams
bring you near
i would stay alseep
lest you disappear

an allusive blessing
a searing kiss
that wakes me

and tosses me
back into this waiting

on you.

my stepping stone

forgotten desires
broken dreams

where does the strength come from
to rise
and face this day

this overwhelming day
where the sun shines
yet does not warm
where smiles abound
yet none reach me

blessed
cursed
i am neither.

beyond the forgotten
yet near enough
to be remembered

your eyes peer
yet do not penetrate
your ears hear
yet do not listen

i stare
beyond what is now

when shall i feel whole
this broken body
a replica of my own soul

burdensome
oh this heavy weight
lifted by the belief
that what will be will be
and what is

just is.

my broken dreams
perhaps are just forgotten
and the passion that i wait for
merely buried
deep within
the labrynith of my own
guilty consience

detached
wanting to connect
to this harsh and beautiful world
i raise my hands
cry
with the pure relief
of one who sees

unblinded i have become
blessed
assured
that the end
is merely a beginning
and the sorrow
i've endured

simply a stepping stone

to what lies ahead.

texan cowgirl

 

sometimes i wonder if i should be as frank and honest as i always am in my writing. if i should peel off the layers one by one...letting the fragrance of my petals that slowly fall down drift to you, allowing you to see what has grown from the seeds planted so long ago.

when one is hesitant it is usually from some type of fear. whether it be healthy fear or pure nonsense only you can tell. so i've decided that my hesitancy is pure nonsense. read what you like, comment on whatever you want, and perhaps this journey of mine, where i trip and fall endlessly on my yellow brick road, will entice you to move forward, to dream...to let go when necessary, cry when needed and laugh always.

thanks to each of you, dear friends. you have made my life so much more the better and prodded along my heart and will to keep living each day as it may come.

besos y abrazos...

me

YEA!!

Hi again,
i had to write tonight before it gets any later to let everyone know that today was a complete, divine, success!!!! judge davis made a bench decision in my favor in everything. i get all my past medical bills from the accident paid off (which was almost a million that has been hanging over my head) and i get ongoing aid also, which means i get my operation on my foot/leg taken care of much faster than hoped for AND i get to go to therapy again. it was an amazing appointent. very very emotionally draining, but so obviously God-appointed. the judge was incredible, so honoring towards me and nice and gentle and didn't mind that i was bawling my eyes out. and when we left the room the court clerk was out in the hall and was crying also (i think everyone cried that was in there) and stopped me and said congratulations and wanted me to know that he knew jocelyn!!! i was floored but of course something like that happened. he said that he and his bible study had prayed for me when i was in the hospital that i wouldn't lose my leg (or life). i had to give him a hug.
so anyway i want to send this soeveryone knows. your calls and letters blessed me sooo much and really helped me get through all the re-telling of everything. like my dad said to me today, i can finally lay it to rest. so apt.
love you all and hope this encourages you tonight,
Rae

The Arrival of The Day

10-3-05

Hello everyone...

I've been meaning to write this past week but because of one thing or the other haven't been able to. i know a lot of you have asked about my court date for medicaid....well, the day has finally arrived. today at 2:30 i go before the judge and present my case. my lawyer said that the judge can either make a 'bench decision', where he reaches a verdict before i even leave, or, he can make a decision in my favor but only for partial medicaid (as in he grants me medicaid but only retropsective aid, which wll still pay those humongous bills but not give me any ongoig aid). i am horrible at explaining legal matters, but i guess the most important thing i am praying for is that 1) he does no deny me, 2)he gives me ONGOING benefits so that i can still get therapy, etc. and 3)that he rules for the combination of both medicare and medicaid.
when mom and i met with the lawyer on wednesday she said that i have a 'perfect' case in her opinion. that my kind of case is the kind that judges like to award benefits to because it is not through my own irresponsible actions that i am where i am at (ie, i am not a druggie without a job trying to get help for sicknesses that i have because of my own decisions).she said that myjudge (his name is Lamar Davis) is a very kind man and that i am lucky to have him be my judge. It does not surprise me though that God has set it up like this, especially since the happenings of today have been bathed in prayer for over two years now. please pray though that God will give me great favor, that we will have every piece of evidence and statements needed, that since my case is the last case of the day that he will not be weary of listening. my lawyer's name is Alexis and she was an ER nurse for 14 years. therefore she knows, really understands, what all my medical records mean and the implications of such an accident. i am so thankful for her and her expertise.... my most pressing prayer request is for me emotionally though. alexis said that what will happen is that she will present my case by explaining everything in my records,from sept.13th 2003 up until now. mom will be able to be at the hearing but only as support to me, her two-cents worth is not allowed.but thank the Lord i get to have her there to hold my hand. after alexis is finished then Judge Davis will proceed to ask me questions and it will be my turn to tell my story. alexis said that i will need re-live everything in detail. everything! i can't even imagine. i don't think i have re-told or even THOUGHT of everything in chronological order, going step by step through everything ever. that means the day of the accident,the accident itself,my hospital stay,my recovery...everything physical, emotional, and mental up until today....i am overwhelmed just writing about it. when she told me that i would have to talk about everything i started crying because i know that i usually avoid having those types of conversations even though facts such as those seem to always be in the back of my mind. i also am praying that the most painful of memories that i have blocked out of my head will return if it is helpful for my case. (just not the accident itself because there is no way i want my last memories of jocelyn to be that). it is not even time yet and i already am feeling close to throwing up or breaking down. i dont even know how to put into words what this is to me. no one has ever heard everything in it's entirety. not even my sweet family. and maybe my accident from last week has something to do with everything because when it happened i had a horrible flash back and since then haven't been able to get it out of my head. i don't know. i just ask for your prayers. this is SUCH a huge, huge deal. the outcome will effect the rest of my life.
so thanks for the support, love and prayers. for the friendships that you have each blessed me with and for walking with me through this long season of my life. you are the ones that helped me walk again:) i am a blessed woman....

love,
rachel

ps for those of you who are going to call me, the appointment is supposedly going to last 3 hours so i am just going to leave my cell in my car and afterwards or tomorrow i will call you back and also write another email letting everyone know. again, thank you!!

POETRY

CONTRADICTORY

you saw me
yet you turned away
you heard me
but you blocked your ears from truly hearing

you desired something good
but you chased away what was offered

you deny yourself
you deny me
you play pretend
and act as if this is what you want

you convince yourself
of some sort of stability
and in a trust
that does not exist

remembering what once was
you live out a precocious dream
that is now vacant
and cannot be

you chose your path
to walk in it is a must
to grasp what has been lost

futility.

KISS UPON MY NECK

i felt the strongest feeling today

as i layed still beside you.

your breathing became steady

as you contentedly locked your arms around me

your whispers that trailed off into sighs

were sweet

and the kiss youplaced on the back of my neck ~

tender.

but my feelings were not ones of tranquility

nor could my eyes close peacefully.

i layed there ~

choking back questions

i wish i had no right to ask

wondering at the ache inside me,

wishing the hurt could be ignored.

your apology was accepted

your explanation listened to...

yet my understanding remains vague,

my ''why'' echoes

and my unshed tears

silently remind me

of your unsought words

and selfish actions.

my question resounded in my head ~

how do you hurt what you love?

disregard what you esteem?

knowingly trod upon feelings dear?

yes, i lay here wondering,

while you sleep blissfully,

with your arms locked around me.

FOOLED

hopes crashing

dreams deceiving

aspirations set too high

perfect world

oh where did you go?

castles in the air

why do you crumble?

i try and i try

too good to be bad

too bad to be good

hidden

or just not seen?

SIN NOMBRE

through the unsteady days

i seem carefree

at ease

but there is numbing pain

deep deterioration

a broken me

is found

soft comfort calls

my plight

must end.