here it is...

Hello Everyone,well, it took me a little longer than i thought to get this thing up. maybe i can blame it on lack of sleep:-P i tried updating the image, but, whatever, letters are letters right?i'm trying to wrap my mind around the thought of writing all my deep, inspirational (haha) thoughts down, but that just doesn't seem to be happening. i think for tonight i'll keep it simple and just tell a little of what i have been doing. i think everytime that i tell someone what is going on with me, the first thing i think of is my recovery journey. perhaps that is because that has been my all,encomapassing mission for the last year and something. i would like to say i am nearing the end, but i know that would be stretching it. instead i just want to let everyone know that i haven't ever been happier or more at peace. i seem to think in terms of 'before' and 'after' since it seems i have been given two different lifetimes in which to live, and this latest one with hopefully much more maturity and anointed SIGHT than i had before. i've learned two things (at least that i can think of this moment). one is that life seriously hurts and i despise it at times, and the other is that life seriously hurts, but makes so much more vivid the beautiful and i can't help but loving it and embracing it once again. right now i am still in therapy and each time i go i come out bouncing (inside at least) because God has truly blessed me with people that have taken it on as their mission to see me better my state and make stronger my physical body. i had previously been so frusterated with the medical system, but now just stand in awe that there are so many with such incredible hearts that work with so many with so little resources. God has given me favor everywhere He sends me and has been orchestrating the meetings and tests and each person i talk to. right now i am in the process of getting vascular and neuro testing done on my right leg (the one that the artery was severed in) because i still have been having such a hard time with my foot and circulation and feeling and pain, etc.etc. without going into the whole story, they are pretty sure i have what is called volkmann's inschemia, which is like the rare after-math of compartment syndrome, which i had when they pumped me with fluids and i swelled up like a whale. it is (or they think) the reason for my toes curling. so we will see what happens with all that. the other thing is that my PT measured my legs and it turns out that my left leg healed a whole inch shorter than the other one. hence the weird walking and pain. i am getting fitted for a lift to even me out and then also for a brace for my other leg to help correct some stuff,like drop foot, and then i don't know yet if there is anything to do for the long term. someone said they'd have to break my leg again. but no thank you. at least not yet. i have to go and get sarah some food....will keep writing later.hugs to everyone,rachel Current Mood: groggyCurrent Music: orishas (cuban)

the wonders...

las cosas q pasen

forever i am reminded of the tenacity of those who are continually brought down by life. of those who are hit over and over again by storms so strong they intimidate even hope. why must this world be so hard? why must our minds be buffeted so that we are worn down, confused and crying?

tonight

so goes another day. and another day does my heart break. constantly i feel a tug of constant conviction, of restelessness to do something to change this mad world i live in. will i one day have to die for my beliefs? will one day i be able to proclaim the truth, and, in some way, see justice come about? will my tears and my questions produce life-altering effects, those which i cannot yet see?
i can only hope. pray. and believe.

quote

"It is better to die on one's feet than to live on one's knees." ~Braveheart~

oops

well, i am supposed to be planning and organizing for my week but instead i find myself glued to my computer, reading blogs and trying to create one of my own. any suggestions would be fgreat:) although i doubt anyone but me will read this for awhile yet.
ok, i am going to go be responsible now and then come back and add some poetry to this thing.
besos!

"For He has made an everlasting covenant with me, Ordered in all things, and secured; for all my salvation and all my desire, Will He not indeed make it grow?" II Samuel 23:5

I am at such a place where I cannot escape. Nor do I want to.

4:37 PM
must i forever behave accordingly to that which is around me? must i conform? must i mold myself to the liking of the eyes that do not really see? to the souls that have never thrived, never flourished with the yearnings for something more? must i suppress my longings? must i be mute lest they silence me themselves? i must forbid myself to hide from the scorn, to run from the hurt. rather, i must embrace it, and so, let it change me as i proclaim my stand. i shall not wither.

restless

times like these....i am so restless...exhausted with no knowledge of why. so very restless. reading gives me some reprieve, at least it captures my thoughts for a moment. but i feel so sad. no estoy contenta adonde estoy en mi vida en este momento y no se porque. i so want to escape. only i don't quite know to where. leaving will not change my heart, will not soothe my soul. i fill my days with doing because when i am alone and quite my soul is not. it is more likely tortured by thoughts, by beratements to myself of what i should be doing, what i am doing wrong and what i should change. someone once told me that insecruties are when you can not look at yourself and be happy with what you see. when you don't like who you are.
the end for today. i'm going to escape into a movie for now. continue these ponderings later.

san juan del sur in nicaragua

me 2004