tumbling

So how can it be

That you want to save me

What makes you think

I need you to

You try to fit in my shoes

Are they too big or too small

Might we win

Or are we going to lose

Are we going to fall

This world goes round and round

But I feel upside down

How did I fall

Why do I care

What can I do

Now that we're here

Gratitude

Your attitude wraps itself around me

My eyes are your eyes

And I wonder if I will ever

See

See for me

Or just for you

Entangled

In your dreams

I breathe deeply

Of your unconfined mind

Seeking

Oh seeking

Space to identify

Classify

Locate myself

Retain and maintain

Individuality

Amidst

The Oh so vivid

You

Why can't I stay

Here

Far away

Why do I crave

Your Intense

Attachment

Why do I wait for

A reaction

Why do I strive

To convey my emotion

Why do I linger

Hoping

for you to tumble

Into the me

You still can't see

solitude need not mean loneliness...

Solitude is not something you must hope for in the future. Rather, it is a deepening of the present, and unless you look for it in the present you will never find it.  

-Thomas Merton

It's. like the prelimenary shit you have to go thru to get to the good stuff. Its like...como te digo...a grey dawn. And the dreams me tienen loca, I wake up scared and talking to someone that I think is really there...osea, horrible! And now I am even HORRIBLER (I don't care if it's not a real word)....horribler because I am COMPLAINING!!! I mean, look what God just got me through!

So I am praying for a soft and thankful heart.

"O Lord, thou hast made us for thyself,
and we are restless until we find our rest in thee." -Augustine-

Mmmm y yo.....well I'm at a weird point right now. Not dark, justgris. I've been here before after a few of my operations....it's like im ready to go on and I'm insanely happy that the 'hard part' is done....then I hurt so bad and therapy exercises are things like switch your weight, back and forth, tighten your quad, release, put wieght on your heal...como, it should be EASY. And then it's NOT!!

copied from an email that began to mis chias....I LOVE Y'ALL!!

Hey girls, just wanted to let y'all know I got your messages, thanks for being so present!!!...yesterday afterwards I felt so great and was like man this isn't going to be as

bad as I thought! At least i enjoyed it as long as it lasted. .. y Dani , GRACIAS por quedarse conmigo, ni me di cuenta a que hora me dormi!  haha despues tipo 3 amcuando me desperte a tomarme mi medicina y me HARTE de todo que me habias traido jajajajajaja, suuuuper rico!!

So at midnight I woke up in SO much pain =( hannah was sleeping in papa's office and she was super sweet and helped me all night. Casi me muero. hahahah i just remembered, she CARRIED me! The anesthesia and dilauded had worn off so i was being a big baby. now I'm getting a taste of what this is really going to be like. My leg won'tgo straight all the way because my muscles have atrophied...I started therapy  today (ALREADY!!!), Elsa, my PT, literally had to drag me out of bed to get me to do te exercises. and after all the stretches and pulling she wanted me to try to walk and I only got one step. ONE. I guess it's just now hitting me that I really am going to have to learn to walk again. i mean, i hobble so that could consist of walking, but i'm talking about walking without tripping or wabbling haha...my balance is waaaay off...guess i should have expected it jajajaja.

So they nailed the femur rod into place, right where the femur

begins below my pelvis and that spot is where the majority of my weight

rests.it's where they nailed it the first time.  anyway i dont know if that meant anything to y'all, but it just hurts really bad when i put any weight on my leg....

i know i'm not sounding happy right now, but i am SO thankful the brace is off and I'll finally be able to do more....but today I've just been crying becaise of the pain and am so

overwhelmed.. so that's why i'm crying to you, who else understands better than sisters?

so...I literally have to learn to walk again. that's crazy.  I had been told that before, when we began this whole damn process, but i guess i never really believed that it was going to be

like this, so slow and painful....it's going to take months of therapy (every single day !) to gain back my muscle mass and strength. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  i just want to be done!! So please pray for me, especially for patience with my body...and i hope you know how your notes and msgs help me so, so much even though I know I am slow at responding to them. 

Just one step. I can't believe it.

i miss my seesters! 

I mean, I know it's not like right after the accident when I I had to

learn everything over again. plus i i only have one break to heal instead  of like 50...so i guess now it's  just a question of how fast my body responds to therapy and how fast I can re-train my muscles.

Anyway. That's my update for today! I'm praying that each day i'll get

better and better. Especially since Dr. Chang made me start therapy

already. I had to call him in the middle of an operation to find out

when to start. He (Dr. Chang) is so patient with me.

I miss you all so much. This is so hard. I don't want it to hurt so bad. I want to be done.

I WANT TO DANCE!!

Love y'all!!

--

Sent from my mobile device

Chela

better late than never...

4 October 2009

I have found it hard to write these last couple of days even though I have wonderful news! Wednesday when I went to Dr. Chang’s office after xrays and measurements he came to talk to us (Mom and I as always,thanks Mom!!) of the next step. I had been hoping and praying that he would set the date to get the spatial frame off and was going even so far as to hope he would do it sooner than planned. He came in all smiles and wanted to know what we thought. We had of course already sneaked a peak at the xrays and seen that the gap in my femur had definitely stretched some more…so much more in fact that I AM DONE!!!!! Just hearing that as a definite made my day=) So Dr. Chang sat on a stool in front of, stretching my legs to see if they matched and said “so what’s the next step?” Jarod, the guy in charge of providing the hardware for the brace and making sure it was put on and is taken off correctly was there also there and they started discussing the steps. They started saying how the plan was to keep it on for 2-4 weeks after the gap was big enough but since I had had it on for so long, and seeing that the bone was “somehow already filling in” ;)…I interrupted and asked if he could take it off next week half expecting some rolling of the eyes. He looked at me for a sec then shrugged his shoulders and said “ok”. OK!!! Mom thankfully shares in my every emotion through this time and so was just as ecstatic as I was…so….I GET IT OFF!!!!!! the date is set for Thursday, the 8th.

I don’t really know how to convey my utter happiness and my blatant frustration that there is still 4 days between me and freedom!! Thanks to each of you who have come along beside me and cheered me on...listened to my complaints, offered a hug for my tears, held my hand when I was scared…these last few months have been filled with a myriad of emotions and when I let myself think about the immensity of everything I get overwhelmed. Thank you Dani for my doughnuts after every operation…, thank you for laying down your life these months...thanks Mom for being my every-day strength and my constant Pusher…gracias Marcos para tus visitas y por siempre ayudarme salir adelante...and oh BEAUTIFUL family of mine!! There is not enough I can say about your stamina and grace and encouragement and patience, your love…I just simply would not be here at all, especially not doing this well and being this happy without you all. There are too many people, so many wonderful friends who have been kind and funny and long-suffering and attentive.

I know this sounds sappy like a book dedication or something but to me this marks the beginning of the Tomorrow I have so long waited for. I finally get to walk to the next page. Dance to it actually. =)

Today everything hit me at once. I’m still in a lot of pain and being THIS CLOSE makes it a bit harder to take. Tonight friends went salsa dancing and I was so having a pity party and sad that I couldn’t be there with them and that is the kind of moment where I have to step back. Behold all that is. I keep reminding myself that I still have months of intense therapy ahead of me to be able to walk normal and be able to have an “average” day. Be able to do everything that I want to do. My goal once again is to dance by December when I get to go home and see my sisters=) On one hand I see all that is before me and am so HOPEFUL, then my mind sees the cost of it all...sweat and emotions, perseverance and pain...sleepless nights ... I'm held in check. I don’t want to let my dreams run away with me and me expect too much too soon. I can almost TASTE the sweetness. I feel a little silly because of my emotion. I want to embrace life so much more than I already have! I will have so much less pain in my body and will get to be active in life again, more fully than I have been, you know? . I know so, so many of you understand what that means. I pray for the same kind of relief for you (especially you Sarah, I love you!!). I pray with my whole heart that this really is a new beginning and that even though I will still have remnants of the accident to deal with, perhaps it will no longer take center stage. There is so much more waiting, I can feel it!

God is just SO good!!! There are too many blessings to be counted…so many hopes…my heart is FULL!!

I am reading a book by John Eldredge so I wanted to leave you a quote from him. It says better than I can what I am feeling right now:

“Something in us longs, hopes, maybe even at times believes that this is not the way things were supposed to be. Our desire fights the assault of death upon life...At some deep level, we refuse to accept the fact that this is the way things are, or must be, or always will be…Even though we sleep, our desire does not…His [a person’s] miseries are his ally, they urge him on...We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. [What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? Matt. 16:26] To desire something and not to have it - is this not the source of nearly all our pain and sorrow?...Desire is the source of our most noble aspirations and our deepest sorrows. The pleasure and the pain go together; indeed, they emanate from the same region in our hearts. We cannot live without the yearning, and yet the yearning sets us up for disappointment-sometimes deep and devastating disappointment...Do we reach for nothing in life because our reaching opens us up to tragedy? Because of its vulnerable nature, desire begins to feel like our worst enemy…We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don’t know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. Still, something in me knows that to kill desire is to kill my heart altogether. Do we form no friendships because our friends might be taken from us? Do we refuse to love because we may be hurt? Do we forsake our dreams because hope has been deferred? To desire is to open our hearts to the possibility of pain, to shut down our hearts is to die altogether.”

it has dissolved.

can’t i just

turn away

resist this wrenching

this collapsing

of my

resolution

of my

detachment

of you

my façade is my calm

my entity a myriad of

contradictions

of verifications

of the fallacy

of what

was thought

truth

naked authenticity

a faith

in something whole

it has dissolved.

and i have my heart here

in fragments

exposed

disposed

not for others to see

and believe me broken

nor for you to see

and convince me of a healing

beyond the bounds

of my sanity

love oh so benevolent

to entice and secure

the yearning for consistency

i had yet to procure

was it audacity

was it hope

was it you

was it me

looking for the us

that never was to be

love is gentle

love is kind

ours a twisted replica

that chose to bind

love her

comfort her

honor her

keep her

love him

comfort him

honor him

keep him

speak now or forever hold your peace

peace

deep sweet

an urgency

to fulfill

my longing

a pressing need

to belatedly

release

surrender

assumptions

expectations

know

that there is restoration

reformation

a kind absolution

to this brokenness

that is mine

weary

of this conflict

drained of all resolve

bombarded
by ambiguity

stripped bare

needing to be absolved

can’t i be

what you need

your pillar

your retreat

don’t you see

you far exceed

what you thought

you had to be

to keep me

honor me

comfort me

love me

such a maze

just a haze

where did it go

this love

it has dissolved.